Month: August 2018

Gratitude

Today an amazing thought came to me. As I was driving a great song came on. I found myself singing loudly and feeling happy. The sky suddenly appeared unusually bright and blue, the mountains so majestic and clear. Within moments a feeling came over me and I realized I was feeling carefree and happy. It was GREAT! I said out loud to myself “I want to feel this way more often!” and then started brainstorming how that could happen. The rest of the day I practiced being grateful for everything in each moment and it felt nice. I was smiling and felt kindness and a connection with people passing by. It was weird. Weird to be happy and friendly? Yep. That’s when I realized I want to keep feeling this way! So I experimented and was truly grateful for everything I could name the rest of the day. Happy for my beautiful truck that safely transports me and how much fun it is to drive. Fun! Yes, fun! Then I thought about The Millers whoever they may be who “like” my blog and  who are sharing their pictures of having fun, smiling & looking happy. Looking at their pictures this morning gave me a little nudge, that there is lots of happiness all around and I too can be having fun and being happy. My gratitude list continued throughout the day and so did my happiness. It worked. I was grateful for my excellent health, for my loyal & beautiful dog greeting me – so happy to see me when I arrived back home. I CHOSE to stay happy that my presence caused that reaction from her of pure love, instead of feeling sad and lonely because I only have a dog when many other people have grandkids. Poor me. CHANGE THAT THOUGHT. She is such a blessing in my life and she brings so much joy to me and many others whenever I take her out. Guess who her very favorite people are? CHILDREN! It’s so interesting. Suddenly I felt happiness in my entire being and also felt a little charge of energy – wow. I decided to take her with me to go buy dog food. We met super nice people in the store (that welcomes pets) and the guy helping me put 90# of dog food in my truck said, “Thank you so much for bringing Sugar to us tonight. She made my day and you are welcome here anytime. I hope you come back”. I almost had tears in my eyes, he was so kind and there was that “happy” feeling again! STAY THERE. So much to be grateful for. So, that was my lesson for today. Now tonight before I go to sleep I am already looking forward to tomorrow and seeing if I can keep this going into another new day. Gratitude and happiness… I want to feel that more often. Good nite.

Loneliness

“Sadness because one has no friends or company” is the definition I got from the dictionary. Loneliness is so difficult to experience and recover from. I lived in San Diego with all my lifelong friends of 30 years. Now I live in Tucson, Az 400 miles away from “home” and my original friends. I am also divorced as well. Former husband is on wife #3 with her kids & grandkids now his also, no long term friends nearby and NO family or grandkids of mine because my daughter will not allow them to have any contact with me. I have given up trying to figure out WHY & she will not talk to me about that or anything else. Because of how much she has hurt me, I now want no contact with her either. Of course, I’m retired as well. It’s great & not so great all at the same time. I just sit here and shake my head. HOW did this happen and where are the solutions?

I had an interesting phone conversation today with a new friend in Texas. She & I are both cancer survivors which is how we met. It’s such a VICTORY and GIFT to be a survivor and it gets very tricky when admitting our quality of life now. From fighting for our lives to now being ALIVE and sitting at home lonely and sad. Maybe we’re just never satisfied as Prince once sang. It makes no sense. She & I share many similar feelings and are both equally perplexed. This is certainly nothing like I imagined my “golden years” to be.

So I volunteer with kids’ groups, belong to several social groups & support groups. Over the years I have taken classes and also participated in a variety of other distractions. I now have a great dog who does help alot, I meet local friends for lunch and listen to their stories of life with their husbands, spending time with their kids, grandkids & relatives and all the fun things they do. I’m truly happy for them and if I am honest, sad for me. Loneliness… knock, knock.

Tonight “Texas” & I decided to get creative and seek & find some solutions for the issue of Grandparent Alienation leading to this awful and intense loneliness. I invite you to join in our quest! Please share any ideas you may have and let’s find solutions. Every problem can have a solution, right? Maybe? No? I’m just not ready to give up yet. Close maybe… but not yet. Things can change so quickly, maybe for the good as well as the bad. What will add meaning and value of our selves and purpose into our lives? Can we get beyond the thinking that if our very own children don’t want us, than who else will either? Even though I hardly ever truly believe that is true, some times like now, I do wonder if it’s true and what is “wrong” with me? Even though it’s only ONE person rejecting me, she was my world. Dang! I’m done for tonight. Sweet dreams all. 🙂

Self care

In order to begin to create a successful new way of living, we must learn new tools. What are some of yours?

Oh my gosh, there are multitudes of ways to care for ourselves in very healthy ways. One of my major things is to choose healthy food that I know will help my body and mind feel and function better. Despite the dark cloud of alienation sorrow hovering above,  I remind myself of the two year struggle to survive colorectal cancer; I REALLY wanted to live.  Eight years later I am still here, healthy and doing the best I can to stay for awhile longer. Writing this blog is one of the reasons I want to stay. I hope I can be a light in the tunnel of despair for other travelers on this difficult path. So-called “comfort” foods are everywhere and so seductive and DELICIOUS! At times they are what I choose and happily many other times, not so much. I look ahead and ask myself how I will feel after eating this, how do I WANT to feel both physically and mentally? Will I feel energized & content? Or stuffed, tired and depressed? What are my plans the rest of the day? Do I want to be sedentary or do I have activities I want to enjoy doing? I then consciously decide what I will eat and thoroughly enjoy it. If it’s unhealthy and I choose it, then I WILL savor every delicious bite – guilt free! If that results in going home and doing nothing, then that IS my choice & it’s 100% A-OK! Most of the time, I go for the delicious and healthy option, but give my self permission to decide. I consciously and deliberately make the decisions that I think are the very best for my entire being at any moment. A way to support my desires to stay healthy and live long is by planning meals for the week, choosing menus, writing a list of ingredients and buying those items when grocery shopping. I may pick up a bag of “comfort”, but before putting it in the cart I decide if I really want to EAT this and put it in my body. Will it help me on my path of healing my sadness and supporting my personal growth? Is ingesting whatever it may be, beneficial to the essence of who I am or want to be? Is this self care or self sabotage? I am determined to be happy.  That’s basically it.

KISS... Keep It Simple Sweetheart. 🙂

 

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