Through many years of deliberation I believe I have formed one definite conclusion. The majority of my evidence convinces me that we truly are – alone. We can be surrounded by many people or no people, but the inner awareness can appear to feel identical. Simply by being among people may or may not relieve the feeling of being “alone”.
Over time I have felt deeply connected with significant others for lengthy periods of time which warmed my heart and soul and touched me deeply. I remember sweet feelings of connection, love and security. As the years went by I decided that there seemed to be ONE truth on planet Earth. Things will ALWAYS change in one way or another. Everything and everyone may be transitory. Some people die, other people make new decisions leading to inevitable changes for more than themselves. There are divorces terminating the (NOT) happily-ever-after we were so mistakenly under the illusion of being true. “Growing old together” provided some justification for committing to the vicissitudes of life, businesses, child bearing and raising, along with a zillion other subjects over a lifetime of constant flux. The prevailing thought was that “It would all be worth it some day”. Who knew! If I knew then what I know now would I make different choices? I used to say that I wouldn’t change things, even knowing the outcome. NOW.. I say yes, I would definitely make other choices. I would NEVER have allowed myself to be in the place I am in today.
It’s not such a bad place nor is it such a good place. It just is a place. Now with all my accrued wisdom I get to hopefully, this time, make better decisions for myself to make it a better place. For MYSELF and not someone else. No one knows shit about anyone else’s perceptions or experiences of anyone’s life but their own. We ALONE are the only ones who truly know and understand US. After all these years, I finally like who I am. Not necessarily WHERE I am, but I think I am a pretty good person and I do have an inner peace of knowing that I gave “it” my all, did my best and didn’t give up whenever it got too hard. I am proud of me. A word often used to describe me is resilient and I agree!
Think of any major event in life you experienced. Does anyone really know exactly how you felt deep inside? How COULD they? Only I know my reasons and how I felt leaving home at 18, or years later standing at the altar of a Chicago cathedral saying “I do”, or how I felt carrying a child inside my body and then having an unexpected c-section and onward for the following 47 years up till today. A kaleidoscope of great imaginings.
We can comfort each other always, but NEVER will we know what anything was really like for another. Not ONE person knows how I felt fighting for my life with a diagnosis of cancer and the following consequence of loosing everything I thought I had planned so well for my secure future. HA! YET, despite my interpretation of all that, I am here today 100% healthy, comfortable and blessed.
After surviving all the years of challenges, how is that I cannot FIX the issue of the loss of my grandchildren in my life? For years I have done everything I could imagine or was advised to do about it and nothing has worked. Possibly one of the hardest things to accept is that I do not have any idea WHY. Unless someone has had a similar circumstance in their life, it is incomprehensible. I belong to support groups for this topic with many others sharing strikingly similar stories. I also volunteer with several children’s organizations, a women’s shelter, am a support person for cancer patients and volunteer in a variety of school venues. Yes, they are all lovely, beautiful and fulfilling. My heart is touched and I am so happy I am able to be of service. While I am active in those venues I am also sad for the losses in my life. You may wonder what prompted this outpouring? What may this sharing be leading up to? Here it is.
The HOLIDAYS have arrived. The most wonderful time of the year is NOT. Stay tuned for more. All this is about self preservation techniques and HOW those of us in this situation can survive yet another deeply sad and lonely time. As the title of my blog suggests, this is a FORUM and I would be so grateful to hear any positive ideas from anyone who has them. Feel free to share, dialogue etc and maybe together this year, it can be better, easier, or something… HO HO HO. You are not alone… True or False???
Grandparent Alienation Forum 