This blog has been dormant for too long for many good reasons that I will be sharing with you over a long period of time, beginning now. There is now much insight to share.
Shortly after Thanksgiving my daughter called me on the phone. Her manner was so sweet and kind. She gently told me how much she missed me and asked me if I would consider coming back into her life. She said she realized how much she needed me after another whole year apart. Much to my surprise I joyfully said, “Yes. That would be great”! It was wise to be cautious, but words like that had never been said by her – to me. My heart was touched. I was cautiously optimistic and looked very forward to seeing her and my grandkids, which actually happened rapidly. It was sheer Heaven.
My entire being felt reborn, re-energized and full of love and happiness. She called me at least once a day and we had very nice conversations of many topics other than the elephant in the room. As more time went on, red flags began to appear. I did not want to see them, so I put on dark glasses and continued forward. I recognized my inner awareness that some taking-advantage-of-me might be happening, but it was minor AND the payoff was that I got to spend time with my grandkids. Therefore, it was mostly “just fine”. Then her old negative ways, attitudes and demands started to filter back in. DARN! My heart and soul were so completely emmeshed with the kids by then that I obliged most requests in order to keep the boat steady and above water. The old patterns were returning. The more I did, the more she requested, as I observed her old disturbing and controlling behaviors continue to escalate. She began to break plans at the last minute or have new crises that needed my immediate attention. Her manipulative ways kicked into high gear along with her erratic personality changes. The gaslighting began again as well. I was feeling anxious and uncomfortable, but I had a huge desire to do all I possibly could to keep the peace and be able to maintain a relationship with the kids, for THEM as well as for me. I wanted to keep the unity and sense of family strong; to give and receive love, respect, trust and fun between us all. I exercised all the wisdom and patience I had developed during the last year of alienation and my subsequent weekly professional behavioral therapy. I’m sure it was much more than the luck-of-the-draw to have been led to the therapist I had. He is an expert in alienation and a highly trained professional to help navigate these choppy waters.
I was upset, sad, and fearful to again feel like things were on a rapid decline. We maintained a semblance of order until Christmas day. Then, as if she prepares her attack ahead of time, the day turned into a disaster. I’ve been advised that people with her personality traits thrive on ruining any special occasions and get great joy from it. It certainly is incomprehensible to me, but it also appeared to be exactly what happened. I am proud to say that I was able to keep myself centered and calm. For the first time ever, I did not react to any of her intentional prodding to create a scene, and eagerly left at the first appropriate moment. And that was the end of the so-called reconciliation.
Reminds me of another song! It went from: “REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD” to: “REUNITED AND IT (again) FEELS SO BAD”, along with “OH NO, WHAT HAVE I DONE”?! I am glad I took the risk and I’m extra glad for the those few weeks of joy with my dearest loves on the planet – those two beautiful children who are now 14 & 18 years old. I had a tremendous need to tell them in person how much I love them & will always be here for them while I am still alive. My mission was accomplished. I have peace knowing they have that information in their hearts. What a blessing! The rest is now of out of my hands.
And so begins more deep healing and another subject for my blog.. I have MUCH to share with you. I am peaceful and calm. I am loved. I am inspired to take this new information and use it to help others in any situations of family alienation. What I’ve realized is that the tables have turned. I, ME, MYSELF want people in my life who like me and WANT me in their life. I am no longer longing for something that apparently is not and will never be. I deeply love my grandkids. I believe that while they are innocent victims of their environment, they are definitely influenced by it. My heart feels happy knowing that I will be here as long as I am alive for them to reach out to, but I am no longer chasing after anyone. If they seek me out when they are independent adults, I will welcome them with open arms. My focus now is on me, my life, my path, purpose, contributions, great health and happiness. What a concept is that!!!! I now confidently choose and deserve a rich and wonderful life. I am surrounded by so much love and support, beauty and incredible blessings. I have so much to give back to others and I look so forward to doing just that! My focus in now on going FORWARD in expectation instead of looking BACK in sadness, grief, anger, loss and pain. During the beginning of this reconciliation I told my daughter, “Things have changed. I am not the same woman I was the last time you saw me . I believe if we both talk about what is in our hearts and are kind to each other we can succeed in a healthy and happy relationship.” I did believe it and did my very best. Now, I feel strong about having that feeling and relationship with myself and the other like mind people who are in my life now along with whoever else I continue crossing life paths with. My heart and my home are places of love and peace. So it is.
I look very forward to sharing the things I have learned this year that have given me the ability to be where I am right now. It’s been a hard journey and it’s a good destination I have reached. I am so excited to share it.
It’s just like stopping smoking. If I did it, anyone can! The same with surviving the loss of our precious grandchildren. I am amazed and grateful that I can say that I now give myself permission to take care of myself and create a life of peace, love, purpose and happiness! I can choose to be respected and treated kindly. If anyone doesn’t want to do that, it’s their total choice. I will no longer ask, beg, barter, strategize or pay in any way for someone to share this journey with me. If they don’t like me, that is their choice. BUT I like me and that makes me feel happy. Imagine being able to join me in saying:
I AM AN ALIENATED GRANDPARENT AND I AM HAPPILY LIVING
A WONDERFUL LIFE!
Wow!!! Stay tuned. Please share any thoughts or comments you may have. You can also send me private emails from my Home Page “Contact” and I will respond. Stay strong, my fellow grandparents! I think it’s all gonna be ok.
I am now “Reunited with ME and IT FEELS SO GOOD.” 🙂
Grandparent Alienation Forum 