Awake all of last night – again. Because??? I really can’t even say. Today I accept another seeming reality. This issue may be with me the rest of my life to one degree or another. My wish and expectation has always been that I will find a resolution and a new lease on life without my family and that has been true for limited amounts of time. Then along come the moments like last night and the thoughts, feelings and emotions come tumbling back. Dang! It almost feels like not breathing. We can only do it for so long.
I reflected on the word NO. I’ve used it successfully in many ways. Now I am going to apply it to MYSELF and my brain process – somehow. Actually, one of the regrets I have is that I didn’t embrace that word long ago and maybe this situation wouldn’t be as pervasive as it is and so disruptive to my joy.
Today’s process. To kindly say no to the thoughts that appear out of nowhere and suddenly rearrange my entire perspective of life. My life is good. It is filled with all kinds of wonderful and fulfilling activities, people, places and things. When suddenly I am transported back into the severe feelings of sadness, grief, loss, loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. I’ve learned how to successfully say NO to others. It is now time to say NO to unwanted and uninvited THOUGHTS that plummet me into despair. NO.
Ah-HA. The trigger for this “visit” was a phone conversation today with a dear friend. During our talk they told me that I was not seeing things correctly and needed to rethink what I was saying. As I’ve stated earlier, after the events or NON-events of graduation this year, I have decided to let go of ANY and ALL expectations of any future contact with my daughter or my grandchildren. I have been successfully removed from their lives. The best coping tool I have for that now is to accept that as it is, and not continue any hope of what the future may hold that they may come back, that things may change, that there is always hope. NO. It has been that very thinking that has caused me such deep sorrow and disappointment for many, many, many YEARS. If I keep doing the same thing, having those same thoughts, it can only continue to hold me hostage to “maybe someday”. What if there is no “someday” and there is only THIS day? What possible good does it do me to think about anything that causes such pain? NONE. I finally see it! I say NO to some day. I say NO to other people’s opinions of what I should or should not think. After all these years, I am solely responsible for what I think and how I consequently allow those thoughts to effect every moment of my life. On the other hand, I deeply appreciate the love and support from my friends and I know they share their thoughts out of care and concern for me. Ah, that feels nice. Thank you for your kindness and best of intentions. Now I have the gift of realizing the power of NO in another way. Thank you for sharing and I must do what I know is best for me at every turn. For now, I am very clear about my current path. NO more thoughts, hopes or possibilities of any reunification with those I longed for over many years. They are not in my life and clearly do not want me in theirs. And so it is. To the best of my ability, I close that door, close that chapter and walk on.
The gifts, love and support in my life are many! I am so grateful for every one and every thing. Life is a journey, a mystery, a maze… I want to now turn that “maze” into amaze-ment, healing and positivity. To love, respect and cherish the life I have been given and to use it in the best way I can to take care of me, help others and be part of making our world a better place in some way. Wishing you all a peaceful journey with kindness along the way. Take care of YOU and perhaps explore the word NO and its many applications. Trust yourself to make the best choices for YOU! xo
Grandparent Alienation Forum 