What if there is more than one skeleton in more than one closet? The experience of being shunned, alienated, discarded, unwanted or estranged from ones own family presents many complications and confusion. For a long time I have felt very embarrassed and ashamed about being rejected as a grandmother and have shared that truth with only my closest friends and relatives. It’s also interesting to realize that I have actually been “protecting” my daughter and guarding the “secret” of her abhorrent behavior toward me. Today, that changed.
It was an emotional day because of the family observance of the first year anniversary of the passing of my son-in-law, the FATHER of my grandchildren. I heard about the gathering through the “grapevine” when I was also informed that attendance was by invitation only. No, I did not receive any invitation. Again, I would have chosen to be with my grandkids and support them with all my heart and deep love for them. It was not to be. I cannot imagine what they think or feel – if anything – about my absence. Their dad comes from an extremely large immediate and extended family along with multitudes of friends from all parts of the world. I can see why I possibly wouldn’t even be missed among the crowd. At the same time, there is only ONE maternal grandmother and that is, and forever will be, ME.
A shift happened today when several people came to visit me at MY home on their way out of town. Coming from such a solemn space, hearts can open in unusual ways. That is what happened today. I WAS embarrassed that I wasn’t at the ceremony and decided to FINALLY speak UP and acknowledge that it wasn’t my choice and that I was sad not being with everyone and sharing our sorrow and grief together. I went on to share a brief explanation along with some unexpected tears. Sharing the TRUTH brought us closer together and opened the doors for authentic conversations. It felt very good to connect again with these people who have been a big part of my life and heart.
My daughter lives by a moral code that states, “Everything that happens in the family stays ONLY in the family.” Today I realized that after all these years of total estrangement, I have STILL been abiding by her code. WOW! What a total joy to say the hell with her code. MY code is love, honesty and heart connections with those I care about and love. I cannot adequately describe the feeling of delight of freeing myself from her mental manipulation, which I didn’t even realize I have been doing. She doesn’t need me in her life and I don’t need to follow her rules. It may sound odd if you’ve never been in this situation, but it’s a subtle and very powerful thing. And I am TODAY… FREE. Hooooray and hallelujah.
There also is a respectful way to go about this procedure. The conversation in my living room today was a positive and open one. There was no need to go into any specific details, but only convey the general reasons of why I have not been at group gatherings that I had formerly participated in for over 20 years. It felt so good to be authentic and share from my heart and be honest. I explained that I chose the path of peace vs conflict; that I had good reasons to bow out quietly for the good of all including my grandchildren. I am proud of myself for the courage and sacrifice it took to do that. Today was the opportunity to make things “right” in honestly and respectfully sharing. As a result, tonight I feel a deep inner peace. I shared my truth.
I once had a client who shared a beautiful sentiment with me. It goes something like this, “I want people to feel better as a result of having been with me.” ME TOO! I am so grateful for having the opportunity to follow my heart today, to actually say my truth and bravely be my authentic self. In the process I believe it was a meaningful and positive experience for those kind souls who shared some time with me today. Another win-win. Amen and Aho Mitakuye. xo
Grandparent Alienation Forum 