The love and joy filling the room on the morning of February 3, 2001 was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my lifetime. At 5 A.M. I got to witness my beautiful grandson making his long-awaited entrance into this world. In the birthing room were his mom, dad, doula and grandma – me. The hopes and dreams of the future with all of us as a family overflowed from the depths of my soul. That moment has been embedded into my heart up till this very moment, 17 years later.
To begin with, when my daughter discovered she was pregnant, she asked if I would consider leaving my home of 30 years and move to their city, 400 miles away, so we could all be together to share this new part of life. Without much thought I eagerly replied, “YES”.
Several months later I was settled into my new home 30 minutes away from them. I continued to invite them over and didn’t think too much of my daughter’s constant excuses for not doing so. I went to their house often, but began to sense a strange feeling of awkwardness. We had some nice days, but she got very “busy” and unavailable. There I was in a new city, no friends and little inclusion in the life of the family I moved to be with. More and more time went by, more arguments ensued with no lasting resolutions. Six months passed; I was hurt, lonely, angry and confused. I gathered my courage and had a talk with her suggesting that maybe I should just go “home”. She eagerly agreed. I packed all my belongings by myself and rented a U Haul. I stopped their house to say good-bye, but she wasn’t home. Her husband & I had a good relationship & I decided to talk to him about the issues. I was crying and said how much I wanted to be a part of the family. He was very kind and said, “You ARE a part of the family. I just don’t know what the problem is between you two or how to fix it”. I believe we really cared about each other, wanted a family & did our best. Regardless of that we repeated the above scenario several more times back & forth. It was devastating to me and I am guessing to her as well. I suggested we get professional help, she could choose the therapist and I would pay all the bills. She declared absolutely NO WAY – ever, and went on to say she had NO problem. If I had a problem that by all means I should seek a therapist to figure out what those problems were; it had nothing to do with her and do not include her in any of it. So I stayed back in my old city with my friends, while missing my family & wishing we could be together. It was crazy making!
After several months of separation, my heart LONGED to be with my grandson, so I asked if I could come for a weekend visit. She said yes. We both agreed on a plan for me to come the next Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I called her when I was 4 hours away to assure her I was on my way and she said how excited they all were to see me. I had recently had my first panic attack and was greatly stressed about making such a long trip alone, but convinced myself it would ultimately be a good thing to do and we could all be together WITH my grandson too. My cell phone rang when I was 30 minutes from their house. “There’s been a change of plans, mom. Something came up and we’re leaving town right now. We won’t be here all weekend, but if you wait for Monday maybe I can keep my son out of preschool for 1 day so you can see him”. There are no words to explain my devastation – again. I turned around & drove home the next morning.
Quite awhile went by with no communication between us. I was feeling calmer and grateful to be back home in familiar surroundings with my friends. I then got a call that they were expecting their 2nd child. How wonderful if I could come and visit. Really?????? So I did. She & I were sitting alone at her house enjoying a very beautiful conversation. We both agreed how much we loved and missed each other and how we both wanted to be together as a family. You guessed it, I moved back to their city again. Months later on the day my granddaughter was born, my daughter was again angry with me for some unknown offense & didn’t call me even when she was about to give birth. Instead of me being with them, she invited her sister-in-law who was also asked to help name my new granddaughter. Several hours later she called me and said, “I had the baby, it’s a girl & you can come to see her for a short while”. I almost said no, but how could I perpetuate the negativity & hurt? It’s just not my nature.
I now live permanently in their city. Things went well for a while and it was wonderful being part of the family, we were close, had fun and enjoyed our respective lives with frequent visits. Ultimately the dysfunction kept happening and continues to this day.
My adorable baby grandson is now 17 years old. My beautiful granddaughter is 14. I’ve been completely alienated from the immediate and extended family for several years now. I am not allowed to have ANY contact with my grandkids nor am I welcome at any family events, including recent graduations and the sudden & traumatic funeral of my son-in-law a few months ago. I am so pained for my grandkids to loose their dad, their other grandmother, and STILL not be allowed to have any contact with me, who is ALIVE, 15 minutes away and longing to be with them.
Throughout this ordeal I also survived cancer and lost all my savings and property. In an odd way, cancer actually saved my life, though. I fought so HARD to live through a most difficult 2-year recovery, that I am now determined to find a way to live the rest of my years as peaceful and happy as possible. I have been blessed with multitudes of wonderful gifts including great health for the last 8 years, good new friends in this new city that is now home, and a beautiful community for low-income seniors where I can afford to live comfortably and without financial struggle.
It is now my MISSION to make something good come from all the INSANITY and agony of grandparent estrangement & alienation. I want to give hope to others suffering from this issue in their own personal way. I am determined to have a happy life with kindhearted people and to be of service to others by sharing what I have learned through surviving this ungodly struggle. I beat cancer and I WILL beat this too. Somehow…
I see we have 2 choices. Stay home, ruminate, grieve, cry and die sad and lonely. OR somehow rise up and make something good for us and also help heal this issue in the world! I choose door #2! I wish you all peace of mind and heart and send you love. There is strength in numbers, find support and camaraderie in whatever ways you can think of. It IS out there! My new blog is coming soon. I look forward to the future and finding a good path to follow or perhaps one to blaze. Peace!
Grandparent Alienation Forum 