What a surprise to find myself triggered and back in my old patterns so soon. Yes, I confess, it is true. What a merry-go-round that I clearly see I am the SOLE creator and instigator of. It is a maelstrom of contradiction ~ the perfect words to describe my recurrent behavior that I always hope will be beneficial in some way, but never IS. NO! It is NOT beneficial in any way what-so-ever, I suspect to anyone! In the midst of another sleepless night, I am determined to STOP this imposed self-torture that I am 100% responsible for creating.
The last few days have been immensely fun visiting with my dearest friend of many decades for the annual Gem Show in my city. We have the the most deliriously fun time together shopping, talking, laughing, eating and shopping some more. It’s been a whirlwind of total FUN. And then… one little thought crossed my mind as I was going to sleep tonight and it exploded into myriad of endless memories and sadness. Why?
Today was my grandson’s birthday, another of many that I am not a part of. It remains heartbreaking when I get stuck in my thoughts of all of the loss and sadness. Now I ask “How many years am I going to continue tormenting myself in this way?!”
He is 19 years old now. I have no idea what he is doing in his life and obviously if he wanted me to know, he would. I wonder if it has been a mistake sending him birthday greetings electronically with no acknowledgement or reply ever. Am I stupid or what??? Yet, I continue, year after year; special occasion after special occasion, to be sure he knows he’s not alone, that I love him, that I care, that I want to be in his life. Blah, blah, blah. It now occurs to me that he may actually NOT WANT me in his life ~ or I would be. Hello? In my quest to be “happy”, what am I doing for myself to promote happiness? I have been making great strides each passing year in healing this estrangement loss within my heart, except for the special-occasion contacts to him – knowing full well I have never received a response to any of my outpourings of love. ENOUGH, already. Enough. Another insight I didn’t truly accept until this ~ another night of no sleep. It’s time to let it be. If I want to reach my goal of living many, many more years of a healthy and happy life, I must care equally about how I am doing, as well as how he is doing. Having no response from him for years is my wake-up call for tonight. Maybe this actually is a good thing to be awake for. Another AH-HA moment. Leave it alone.
The reality of the situation of decades of estrangement is that I have done everything I possibly could, to no avail. It is time to STOP. Plain and simple. S.T.O.P. My grandkids know I love them and welcome them in my life. That’s it. There is nothing else to say, think, analyze, strategize or DO. I release my SELF from anymore outreach. Let. It. Go.
The future is unknown equally to all. We are all doing our best. We all deserve to be happy and peaceful in whatever way we can achieve that. I am determined to find and maintain my goal, which I actually have the majority of the time right now, of enjoying a happy and peaceful life. Wishing you all the same. Good night.
Grandparent Alienation Forum 