Continuing on with the emotional aftermath of HS Graduation as an alienated grandparent. Over the last few weeks I realize this event has been a game changer in that there IS no more game. It is completely over and done. I think it has been for a long time and I just didn’t want to see it.
I can no longer deny that my grandson is gone from my life. No one knows the future. BIG question now is in my face. How long am I going to live my life waiting, holding onto a hope that MAYBE he will be in my life again “some day”. I truly believe IF he wanted to see me, he absolutely would have. There is NO indication of that happening anywhere other than my heart and imagination. It’s a loss unlike any other. He is gone even though he lives 15 minutes from my house and it has been this way for many years. Which brings me to the next question: HOW LONG AM I WILLING TO STOP LIVING MY LIFE, WHILE I AM STILL HERE AND ALIVE?
A couple of days ago I happened to sit with a grandma at a fund-raiser for her grandson who also graduated the same week as my grandson. WHAT a happy celebration they all had! The very next day her grandson was at the wrong place and the wrong time, was shot and died. I sat and cried with this woman who I had never met before, sharing our private griefs. She asked if I knew her grandson and I replied no, but I too had lost a grandson, without explaining the details. Several days later I had an awakening. Although my grief has been debilitating and unbearable at times, I think I am FINALLY ready for it to STOP. I am grieving for something that there is nothing I can do to change – just as it is with the other grandma I sat with. Different circumstances with the same result in our lives.
I have been waiting. Many, many years. ~ And it is now time to let go of any more hopes or dreams about him (or my granddaughter) sharing life with me. This posting is about him because it’s his graduation. There are equally heartbreaking events regarding my granddaughter which will be another blog. She’ll get her own page too. Oh yay! The best scenario is that someday he WILL be back in my life in ways I truly cannot and will not imagine any more. I have an insight now that maybe it has become NORMAL for them to not have grandparents in their lives and that they aren’t or missing us like we are them because they don’t remember that there is anything to miss. It has been too long and the kids adapt because they must. It’s just “life” and life goes on. It’s entirely different for us. In a way I hope that IS true because I want them to be happy. I HOPE they are.
So, now I am staring at the beginning of a new life and outlook for me. Volunteering with children is something I have been doing for years. I cannot think about what was lost in our family anymore, but I can think about and DO something to hopefully be of service to other kids and other families. When my heart is touched by helping another child I must stay mindful to NOT transfer that experience to a WISH that I could be having that experience with MY grandchild. It’s a perfect lesson in Mindfulness. Stay in THIS moment as much as we are able. Don’t lament the past nor wait to be happy some time in the future. What about NOW! LIVE now. Be AWARE of all we have to be grateful for – right now – and yes, even with the loss of our grandkids in our lives. I believe we are here for some good reasons that involve goodness, kindness, purpose, happiness and joy. I am determined to share that with others and to be open to receive it back, to be appreciated and have value in some way, somewhere, to someone. It’s a human necessity. We ARE all in this together. There is so much stress in the world currently. I want to be part of some kind of solution, not matter how small or how large. I refuse to sit at home and cry anymore.
It is time. Time to say GOOD-BYE, but in a good way. Good bye to unexpected tears in public places, to deep anger and frustration, to grieving and sadness, depression, ruminating, insomnia and the numbing effect and unwanted weight gain of sugar and ice cream. It’s like summoning the courage to jump off the high dive. The only way to do it is… to DO IT.
NOW is my jumping off time. I have no idea what will happen, who will be there, or what results will occur. But I do know that I simply cannot allow my remaining precious life to be a complete and total waste when there is so much good that I have to contribute somewhere.
In conclusion, may all of us find our way through this darkness. When we do, I hope we will be able to help make this crazy world we’re all a part of, a better place for ourselves and some else too. In final conclusion for this posting, I would also like to deeply thank my most skilled therapist for all their support, caring and true help in navigating these treacherous waters. I am so grateful, thank you so very much! Onward… xo
Grandparent Alienation Forum 