All special events throughout any “normal” years as an estranged grandparent take a special kind of skill and inner strength that can only be learned over a long period of time. After awhile, many of us actually have learned some skills to help navigate the especially sad times and not go down the ever-looming black hole. It seems that every month there is at least ONE event that reminds us of something fun we would like to do for our grandkids. (And sometimes sometimes their parents as well.) Yes, the very same parents who create the situation resulting in no relationship between us – with one more year gone by again… Damn!
This week is my daughter’s birthday. At 44 years old she is a very capable, able bodied, highly education and admired adult woman and mother of my grandchildren. This summer of COVID and birthdays is unusually wicked. It starts in July with my son’s birthday, a week later is mine and a few weeks after that is my daughter’s. How much joy, heart-felt connections, support, caring and love there could be among all of us especially in these most trying times. We could have THREE virtual birthday celebrations, see each other, talk, smile, laugh and maybe share something fun, kind and meaningful with the strength and bond of being together and being a family. Sounds reasonable, but it is not. My son and I celebrated our birthdays long distance in delightful ways. This morning I woke up in tears again knowing my daughter’s birthday is almost here. Of course, I go back in my memory of the beautiful day I gave birth to her and fast forward through the next four decades leading up to – NOW. What is there to say? Why am I even writing this blog or sharing this? I doesn’t change anything. I feel defeated already. I did send her a card and that’s all I feel “safe” within my heart to do. Maybe on that day I will change my mind and call her, maybe she will pick up, maybe we will have a few awkward sentences before the relief of hanging up before something BAD or wrong is said again. Then I’ll hang up, sit on my couch in tears and try again to understand what is not understandable. COVID19 2020. What a tough year.
The thought comes to me that even though the situation may never be ok, what if I accept that and truly move on with my life! I truly believe I am the only one affected by my sadness and suffering. With all the therapy, self help books, group classes on healing, support calls, journaling, meditations. etc, etc, etc, what if I apply some of those lessons and suggestions! Well, I AM. I began this morning when I had enough of the tears and sadness, got OUT of bed and decided to do things differently. FINALLY! THAT is why I am writing this blog tonight. Our happiness IS in our hands. I can be the woman in the picture above, weeping on a toilet with a sink overflowing with my tears or NOT. What if I DO have a choice and don’t have to keep going through this intense suffering continually and regularly! WHO is doing this to me? Is my daughter responsible for THIS today? She has no idea of my thoughts or pain. She’s got her own stuff to deal with being a widowed mom of her own four kids. Try as I may, I cannot help her and she can’t help me. I want to be done suffering, being sad and carrying this huge burden and most sad story around with me all the time. It’s like a lead suitcase. I have tried relentlessly for over 20 years to do everything in my power to love her and have her and my grandkids in my life in a meaningful and happy way. I am at last ready to accept that it is not that way and there may be NO happy ending in that way. There is nothing more I can or want to do to fix something that clearly seems un-fixable. My heart breaks for the kids and I also question the logic of that! What if the kids are busy being kids and have moved on in their lives to find their own happiness. I am SURE they don’t miss me like I miss them. Why am I allowing this pain to continuously get reactivated by thinking of how terrible it all is. What if it just IS. That’s all.
I am in my 70’s and I live alone. I have had no relationship with my family who lives 15 minutes away and I miss them terribly. Is that the end of the story? No. Hell no. The truth is I have been blessed with a really good life filled with so many, many good things, great people, other family members who like and love me just as I am, lots of amazing friends and activities. I could go on and on. This year I celebrated surviving cancer, rectal cancer, and I am ALIVE, healthy and well. THAT is one amazing thing to be able to say, let me tell you! THAT was the fight of my life and I WON! Everything else is just frosting on the cake ~ MY cake of my life with huge gratitude for all of it. There are many things I don’t understand and I’m realizing I no long NEED to understand. Instead I WANT to be happy! Plain and Simple. Through writing this tonight I am happy I sent the card to her with the intention she will receive it on her birthday and know I love her. This year of COVID19 I also happy to do something kind and uplifting for ME on MY day of giving birth 44 years ago. I gave her life and then a wonderful life. I’ve done my part. I am very satisfied at MY truth that I was a fantastic mom to her, loved her with all my heart and gave her everything good I possibly could. THAT is now my story! OMG.
Maybe we can all write a new story! Get out your journal and start writing. Quiet your mind and open your heart. Write and then write some more. Allow it all to flow. Now read it out loud to yourself, looking into your own eyes in a mirror. A very powerful tool. See how you feel now. No longer do you need to carry that old story in your heart any longer. Write your new story and read it whenever you need to feel better, to feel good! It’s ok to feel good and to be happy.
This year on that special day I am going out into my favorite spot in nature, away from people, COVID and masks. I am bringing a kite with me on this journey. When I arrive, I am attaching to that kite everything that I want to release. I see the kite lifting higher and higher; I smile while watching it rise peacefully into the heavens. Then… I am going to cut the string and watch it float up and away as I send a prayer for all of us to be healed.
Grandparent Alienation Forum 