NEVER did I imagine the day when I would decide to end all contact with my daughter and grandkids. I had NO idea what the consequences may be, but I simply had ENOUGH. Some time has passed now, and I can share this unnerving experience with you. I dove off the highest cliff ~ having NO idea of what trials may lie ahead, but it needed to be done. Today here I am to share the shocking results. That risk turned out to be the beginning of a whole new way of life, with new hope, for a happy life ~ for ME. Unimaginable!
Over a period of 20+ years of major problems with my daughter, I always continued to do everything in my power to have a loving relationship with her and each of the kids as they arrived. I never gave up, it was impossible. Regardless of any of the many traumatic exchanges between us, I continued with all my heart to find resolution again and again, leaving no stone un-turned. “This MUST work, we MUST be a family, I will NEVER give up” was my mission statement and deepest intention. There were a lot of “last straws” repeatedly. I really believed that I would be a prisoner of this dysfunction the rest of my life, even with the help of a professional behavioral therapist weekly for 5 years. That helped me maintain my sanity, but never the courage to rock the boat with my daughter. She is the gatekeeper of the of her kingdom and the only way to see the kids is to follow her rules. Those beautiful and precious grandkids were my utmost priority, so I did what was required to remain in good standing and be allowed entry at her discretion.
Much to my utter shock one day the straw DID break the camel’s back. The details of what happened are irrelevant and private. However, the miracle of the situation was that a “window of opportunity” opened and I unexpectedly got to see my grandson and have a moment to talk to him alone! I told him again how much I love him & my granddaughter, and that they are always welcome in my home & my life. I told him the situation is NOT how I want it, that I have tried for a long time and can not do anything to fix it. I am so sorry. I love them & pray for their family every day. In the meantime, I will be taking good care of myself mentally and physically so if they ever do want me in their lives as they begin their adult lives, I will do my best to be alive and well. We hugged each other and I drove peacefully away. It was a very profound, loving and powerful moment I will remember and cherish the rest of my life! On the way to my home, I had my AH-HA moment. I would NEVER allow my grandkids to be subjected to this trauma, conflict, pain, sadness or distress ever again. My heart broke again at the unbearable loss.
That week I wrote my daughter a letter. It was clear, kind and non negotiable. I told her I have nothing left to offer to make our family succeed. Also, that I would never allow the kids to be hurt by the tragic irreconcilable differences ever again. To do that, I decided to remove myself from her, as the gatekeeper of any contact with my grandkids. I reviewed it for several days and read it probably 100 times. And then the moment arrived when I KNEW I needed to send it. It was time. It was the “right” thing to do. I pushed the send button. Thank goodness she hasn’t replied! I AM the mother & grandmother! I will not allow any more of this abuse to everyone to continue. The end. I have released ALL hope of any future contact with any of them. It’s the best I can do because I do love us all and will not let this continue. I can’t fix it, but I can STOP it, and I have. It is done. Amen!
What consequences would result, I couldn’t imagine. MUCH to my surprise, there have been only vast amounts of good flooding into my life ~ too many to mention. My life has gotten better and better. I believe it is a testimony that it was a good decision, I hope so. The ongoing pain and suffering has tremendously lessened; it’s almost GONE. My freedom has returned. Peace has flowed into my entire being. I am calm and peaceful. I no longer suffer from extreme anxiety, loneliness, stress & insomnia. It feels like someone has waved a magic wand over my life. Breathe… There will always be a degree of sadness somewhere, I wish we were all together, BUT we’re NOT. I have accepted what IS, and now I feel such a sense of relief. There are no more hopes of maybe they’ll call, maybe they’ll come over, I wonder how they are, I wonder, wonder and wonder. I now have permission to let go and live my one-and-only LIFE. I am grateful for this life and all the blessing and good in my life. Now before going to sleep at night, instead of feeling broken, I write a page in my gratitude journal of each day’s blessing and joys. Every night I look up at the moon, feel the heart connection with my grandkids, say a prayer for their health and happiness and ask God to watch over and protect us all.
I have done my best and feel complete. I now do my best to stay in the present moment as much as I am able. No more grieving the past or stressing about the future. I have learned how to trust and take care of myself and it’s a good thing. I am in gratitude for this new peace in my life. I have accepted what IS and also that I cannot change it. Maybe… others would benefit from considering what they would like in their lives.
What do YOU deserve as a human on this planet? Do you need to suffer the rest of your life? Only you have the answers, but the one thing I can 100% assure you is that you are NOT alone in any situation of grandparent alienation.
It is an epidemic effecting the entire world. It is a pain like no other AND maybe there is a way out – IF we can do it! I AM SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL TO BE BLESSED WITH THIS COURAGE! I DID IT!!! Therefore, anyone can! It is ok to take care of YOU. It really is….
I love blue skies and pretty clouds…. XO
Grandparent Alienation Forum 