Let’s begin with a question. Have you ever taken an inventory of what you have given of yourself to gain your alienated child’s acceptance, love & inclusion in their lives, or at the very least that of the grandchildren? Many of us have the ability to put on rose colored glasses certain that if we just do a little more, our child will one day realize that we love them and our grandkids very much, and we are willing to do almost anything to have a happy family unit with them. Most of us have persisted for many years and have seen absolutely NO changes in their behavior toward us. I’ve have found that while I am giving something my daughter wants, she is sometimes nice to me. A very short time later (maybe even within the same day), I am again regarded as the enemy. Nothing is ever good enough, her requirements and demands feel like a bottomless pit with a huge suction cup attached draining out every ounce of life – if I don’t fulfill her every wish or command.
Next question. Do you feel it is safe or in your best interest to ever say NO to anything they request? Again for me, most often not. We are considered selfish if we have any personal needs, opinions, suggestions, reasons, plans, limitations, or boundaries that would cause us to use the “N” word to them – EVER. If we do say no, at what price do we dare utter than word? What are the consequences? How does that effect our standing with them them or our grandkids and for how long? If you do say no, are you told you are selfish and only care about yourself with no consideration for anyone else – even if you just bought them something utterly extravagant like a house, vehicle or vacation? Or you did something minor like picking up the kids from school, making them dinner and spending some precious time with them. “What do you mean you won’t drive them home? You want me to drive to your house and pick them up? Really, Mom? Don’t you know how busy I am?” The consequence of that one “no” is now no contact anymore – again. Risky business saying no.
Another question. Is there ever any consideration whatsoever about what you may want or need as an aging person? Do you ever receive any contact that is caring, friendly, kind, or shows any interest in your life, health or anything else? Rarely, I would say. Many times I really enjoyed helping her and being with the kids. I remember one time though, after a long day of babysitting, I commented how tired I was and needed to go home. Her reply was something like, “Age has nothing to do it, mom. It’s just as hard and tiring for me. If you really cared, you would do more to help me out, and now you’re just going to leave.” There is no answer to this. There is no gratitude or kindness for what I constantly did on so many different levels. So I would go home alone and cry because I wasn’t stronger, couldn’t help more, felt useless and definitely unappreciated. This tone of communication has gone on for TWENTY YEARS. Recently, I did an inventory of what I have done for her as the grandmother of my grandkids with all the love I have for all of them. The title of this posting was the outcome. Am I really the selfish woman I am told I am, or am I stupid to believe her assessment of me any longer?
In my childhood I heard the saying, “Sticks & Stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you.” As Dr. Phil may reply, “And how’s that working out for you?” NOT WELL. I am very hurt by her words of rejection, what she says about me and how she has influenced my grandkids about me. I now realize that I was stupid. I was. I believed if I did enough, it would all work out; we would be a family, we would have fun, we would share dinners and have adventures and make memories. Oh boy, we do have memories, but NOT the kind I ever imagined or wanted any of us to have the torture of experiencing, much less remembering. Now I do my best to NOT have those memories.
It’s a new chapter of life again. Under the premise of helping out with one of my older grandkids recently, I came to discover that they also share some of her viewpoints and opinions. Back in the quiet of my house I realized I have been so wrong. All my years of attempts to create the love and family I wished for with her and my grandkids was all in MY mind and actually a complete fantasy. I see now that I am NOT anyone of any importance in their lives. Along the years, many people encouraged me to believe that when the kids were adults, they would remember the good times with me and they would return to me. I no longer believe that. They are IN their lives which has not included me as an important person for too many years. Now I am NOT any part and it’s best I see that now while I still have time to make a life for myself. That is the reality.
In looking back would I change anything? YES! I would give less. I would care less. And I would do more for ME and care more about ME and my LIFE. I would see life for what it truly IS and remove the rose colored glasses. After 20 years the situation is no better than it ever was. My advice is to be SELFISH vs STUPID. Be brave enough to see life as an alienated grandparent as it IS. Realize when it is time to STOP tying to fix what cannot be fixed. Stop feeling sorry for your grandkids. Stop having the total fantasy that they miss us and need us. After enough time passes, they probably do not. Kids are resilient and they adapt to whatever they need to do to survive and be happy. YES – even if it means letting go of US. We would do well to follow their example. They simply do NOT miss us like we miss them. They are busy in their lives with ALL they live each day as children. Love them enough to let them go and love OURSELVES enough to let us go ON ~ to also have a life without them, and be happy. That childhood hope is over, our lives are not.
Now is the time to sit down, take your time and do your inventory. STOP the old behaviors that did make us stupid and now LOVE yourself enough to be SELFISH. Yes. Take loving care of you, make friends, get OUT of the house and decide to LIVE and be as happy as you will be able to. We have THIS life now, what are you going to do with it? Does sitting home and being sad serve anyone’s best interest, yours or your grandkids? NO ONE knows your pain but you, so get up and take control of what you can control – YOU.
May each and every alienated grandparent be given a beautiful rest of their lives in ways that we can’t even imagine. Open your heart and mind to the rest of your life. I still believe we all can be happy. The new chapter we can call: HOW NOW. Get prepared and BEGIN somewhere. We are all in this together!!! The time has come to LET IT ALL GO. When you have successes, I’d LOVE for you to post them here and let’s start sharing our new lives of GOOD days and gratitude! Wishing us all some smiles and happiness. xo
Grandparent Alienation Forum 