For my mental health, I stopped keeping track of how many years it’s been since my grandkids and I have been allowed to spend any time together. It’s NOT a comforting number or helpful in any way to keep track of. One of my many strategies for survival has been to let go of that particular number. It just doesn’t matter any more because all the years gone by are just that. GONE, bye. We all missed out on so much. Well, at least I did – and they did too because there were so many things I wanted to share with them and do for them. I have no idea any more about anyone else’s experiences. Maybe they didn’t even miss me, we’re in hugely different places in life. Their lives are just beginning and I am very aware today that mine is unquestionably drawing closer each day – to an ending. So much I’d like to do, but no one to do it with. I so much want to be part of something which, most unfortunately, wants no part of me. Another crazy thing is that I still have NO idea why or what happened to cause this situation to even exist.
A couple of weeks ago a family member told me they called my daughter to find out exactly what her reasons are for keeping us separated, and that led to me being able to take my grandkids out to lunch two weeks ago, just the 3 of us. It was wonderful to see how happy and well they appear to be. My granddaughter is now a freshman in high school and my grandson is a senior, getting ready to turn 18, graduate and officially be an adult! Incomprehensible and true. We had a really fun visit full of smiles and laughter. When they were leaving to go meet their mom (my estranged daughter) in the parking lot, my granddaughter hugged me and said, “I love you, gramma”. My heart and soul were very fulfilled and happy being able to have her there with me and tell her how much I love her too. Gratitude surrounded me! I was CERTAIN that I would now be fine and could have the peace of mind I longed for to get on with my life. For the next little while life was good. I believed that I had no expectations; that it was enough to know they DO love me and that I will see them again some day. Now, today, I realize that I don’t know that will actually happen. There are no guarantees of anything in this life. The door of my heart was opened again and now there is no one at that door. I KNEW this was a possibility and I’m very disappointed in myself that I am allowing this sadness into my life and to affect me so deeply. I’m told I’m too sensitive and dramatic. I am the cause of my sadness. I can be happy if and when I decide to be. They are wrong – about ME.
It seems I am surrounded by other people whose family members are in regular contact with each other. There are spouses, children, grandkids, cousins, aunts, uncles, sisters and brothers. For that brief lunch, I had the feeling of being part of a family too, MY family. Now I am starkly aware that it is me and only me – again. It’s just so darn hard and disappointing, even though I KNEW I may have this experience again. Yes, I would still definitely have had those two precious hours with them. Today I wonder how many more years ~ if ever ~ will there be another two hours?
Does everything have a mortality? Families. Relationships. Each of our lives themselves. Everything has an expiration date which is part of this human experience I guess. Until we ARE old, we just don’t believe it’s gonna happen. Surprise – it is here NOW. It’s not going to happen, it has happened. I am now over 70 YEARS OLD! I’m shocked, in disbelief. It was never, ever “supposed” to be like this.
Today I am very much aware of my mortality. I wish the kids could be with me sometime and we could have just a little more fun, hugs and new connections. My blogs usually end with something inspiring and tonight it’s just not here. MORTALITY sucks.
OK Wait! I AM an optimist, so my real and final closing thought is that tonight as I go to bed, I will Expect the Miracle! I WANT to see my grandkids again soon and I ask for that to happen easily. 🙂 I also hope this helped someone else today to feel not-so-alone. XO
(Thank you & photo credit to Lithuanian-American photographer Rimgaudas Vidziunas)
Grandparent Alienation Forum 