A New Life… valentines day

 

Many holidays are malevolent, made-up, money-making, malicious machinations of mental and emotional manipulation! Ba HUMBUG!

Last night I went to bed happy, slept well and woke up overcome with sadness. WHY? Then I was reminded it was Valentine’s Day. The special day of love, gifts and fun with family. I thought I was indifferent and unaffected by it, I didn’t think it mattered at all. I was wrong. Where was the reset button to make it a happy day vs one of depression and sadness. It’s sure a test of our sense of self worth.

Truth? My life is very nice. I am usually very happy, all is well in my world and I am very loved. It’s taken many years of dedicated effort to reach this place of peace and maintaining it remains one of my top priorities.  Today I have another opportunity to resolve this in a timely manner. Ready, set, GO.

I googled the origin of Valentine’s Day. Interesting. If it’s of any interest to you, check it out. That info is what prompted me to shift gears and arrive at my first sentence of this post. If I can go along with the mass belief system and agreement of the significance of this day-of love, I can also CHANGE that belief. Right? It turns out to be so! In the span of less than an hour I was able to completely re-examine some of my beliefs. Am I less loved or cared about by not having a significant other, or my grandkids in my life, showering me with gifts today? Is who I am and what I contribute to the world negated because my life doesn’t include hearts, flowers or boxes of chocolates on THIS one particular day?

An unexpected gift on this day-of-love has arrived and is thrilling. It goes like this: MY world, life, value and reality are absolutely fine exactly the way they are, right now. I have the CHOICE of how I want to feel. Years ago this process could have taken days or weeks; today it took an HOUR. It truly is a beautiful  gift to myself to realize I can be aware of my thoughts and emotions and adjust them when necessary. That option is always available! Wow.

This day has gone from depressing to delightful with just a quick adjustment of perception. Again, I choose HAPPY and am willing to take the steps to be there. Now, the day is beautiful again, cool desert temperatures to bask in, a sweet friend to spend the afternoon with and a beautiful life to live. WHAT AMAZING PROGRESS.

Holiday, schmol-iday. hahaha Google THAT. haha My intention is to remember to apply this lesson to the next holiday or special day that would normally make me sad. My granddaughter once made up a song when she was little and we had so much fun singing it together. Little did I know how significant that silly song would be in my life today!

“DON’T BE SAD ~ BE GLAD…”  la-la-la ... Composed years ago by one sweet granddaughter who I love with all my heart, on Valentine’s Day, and every other day too!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

A New Life… two weeks later

What a surprise to find myself triggered and back in my old patterns so soon. Yes, I confess, it is true. What a merry-go-round that I clearly see I am the SOLE creator and instigator of. It is a maelstrom of contradiction ~ the perfect words to describe my recurrent behavior that I always hope will be beneficial in some way, but never IS. NO! It is NOT beneficial in any way what-so-ever, I suspect to anyone! In the midst of another sleepless night, I am determined to STOP this imposed self-torture that I am 100% responsible for creating.

The last few days have been immensely fun visiting with my dearest friend of many decades for the annual Gem Show in my city. We have the the most deliriously fun time together shopping, talking, laughing, eating and shopping some more. It’s been a whirlwind of total FUN. And then… one little thought crossed my mind as I was going to sleep tonight and it exploded into myriad of endless memories and sadness. Why?

Today was my grandson’s birthday, another of many that I am not a part of. It remains heartbreaking when I get stuck in my thoughts of all of the loss and sadness. Now I ask   “How many years am I going to continue tormenting myself in this way?!”

He is 19 years old now. I have no idea what he is doing in his life and obviously if he wanted me to know, he would. I wonder if it has been a mistake sending him birthday greetings electronically with no acknowledgement or reply ever. Am I stupid or what??? Yet, I continue, year after year; special occasion after special occasion, to be sure he knows he’s not alone, that I love him, that I care, that I want to be in his life. Blah, blah, blah. It now occurs to me that he may actually NOT WANT me in his life ~ or I would be. Hello? In my quest to be “happy”, what am I doing for myself to promote happiness? I have been making great strides each passing year in healing this estrangement loss within my heart, except for the special-occasion contacts to him – knowing full well I have never received a response to any of my outpourings of love. ENOUGH, already. Enough. Another insight I didn’t truly accept until this ~ another night of no sleep. It’s time to let it be. If I want to reach my goal of living many, many more years of a healthy and happy life, I must care equally about how I am doing, as well as how he is doing. Having no response from him for years is my wake-up call for tonight. Maybe this actually is a good thing to be awake for. Another AH-HA moment. Leave it alone.

The reality of the situation of decades of estrangement is that I have done everything I possibly could, to no avail. It is time to STOP. Plain and simple. S.T.O.P.  My grandkids know I love them and welcome them in my life. That’s it. There is nothing else to say, think, analyze, strategize or DO. I release my SELF from anymore outreach. Let. It. Go.

The future is unknown equally to all. We are all doing our best. We all deserve to be happy and peaceful in whatever way we can achieve that. I am determined to find and maintain my goal, which I actually have the majority of the time right now, of enjoying a happy and peaceful life. Wishing you all the same. Good night.