2020 Covid19 – The Birthday Blues

All special events throughout any “normal” years as an estranged grandparent take a special kind of skill and inner strength that can only be learned over a long period of time. After awhile, many of us actually have learned some skills to help navigate the especially sad times and not go down the ever-looming black hole. It seems that every month there is at least ONE event that reminds us of something fun we would like to do for our grandkids. (And sometimes sometimes their parents as well.) Yes, the very same  parents who create the situation resulting in no relationship between us – with one more year gone by again… Damn!

This week is my daughter’s birthday. At 44 years old she is a very capable, able bodied, highly education and admired adult woman and mother of my grandchildren. This summer of COVID and birthdays is unusually wicked. It starts in July with my son’s birthday, a week later is mine and a few weeks after that is my daughter’s. How much joy, heart-felt connections, support, caring and love there could be among all of us especially in these most trying times. We could have THREE virtual birthday celebrations, see each other, talk, smile, laugh and maybe share something fun, kind and meaningful with the strength and bond of being together and being a family. Sounds reasonable, but it is not. My son and I celebrated our birthdays long distance in delightful ways. This morning I woke up in tears again knowing my daughter’s birthday is almost here. Of course, I go back in my memory of the beautiful day I gave birth to her and fast forward through the next four decades leading up to – NOW. What is there to say? Why am I even writing this blog or sharing this? I doesn’t change anything. I feel defeated already. I did send her a card and that’s all I feel “safe” within my heart to do. Maybe on that day I will change my mind and call her, maybe she will pick up, maybe we will have a few awkward sentences before the relief of hanging up before something BAD or wrong is said again. Then I’ll hang up, sit on my couch in tears and try again to understand what is not understandable. COVID19 2020. What a tough year.

The thought comes to me that even though the situation may never be ok, what if I accept that and truly move on with my life! I truly believe I am the only one affected by my sadness and suffering. With all the therapy, self help books, group classes on healing, support calls, journaling, meditations. etc, etc, etc, what if I apply some of those lessons and suggestions! Well, I AM. I began this morning when I had enough of the tears and sadness, got OUT of bed and decided to do things differently. FINALLY! THAT is why I am writing this blog tonight. Our happiness IS in our hands. I can be the woman in the picture above, weeping on a toilet with a sink overflowing with my tears or NOT. What if I DO have a choice and don’t have to keep going through this intense suffering continually and regularly! WHO is doing this to me? Is my daughter responsible for THIS today? She has no idea of my thoughts or pain. She’s got her own stuff to deal with being a widowed mom of her own four kids. Try as I may, I cannot help her and she can’t help me. I want to be done suffering, being sad and carrying this huge burden and most sad story around with me all the time. It’s like a lead suitcase. I have tried relentlessly for over 20 years to do everything in my power to love her and have her and my grandkids in my life in a meaningful and happy way. I am at last ready to accept that it is not that way and there may be NO happy ending in that way. There is nothing more I can or want to do to fix something that clearly seems un-fixable. My heart breaks for the kids and I also question the logic of that! What if the kids are busy being kids and have moved on in their lives to find their own happiness. I am SURE they don’t miss me like I miss them. Why am I allowing this pain to continuously get reactivated by  thinking of how terrible it all is. What if it just IS. That’s all.

I am in my 70’s and I live alone. I have had no relationship with my family who lives 15 minutes away and I miss them terribly. Is that the end of the story? No. Hell no. The truth is I have been blessed with a really good life filled with so many, many good things, great people, other family members who like and love me just as I am, lots of amazing friends and activities. I could go on and on. This year I celebrated surviving cancer, rectal cancer, and I am ALIVE, healthy and well. THAT is one amazing thing to be able to say, let me tell you! THAT was the fight of my life and I WON! Everything else is just frosting on the cake ~ MY cake of my life with huge gratitude for all of it. There are many things I don’t understand and I’m realizing I no long NEED to understand. Instead I WANT to be happy! Plain and Simple. Through writing this tonight I am happy I sent the card to her with the intention she will receive it on her birthday and know I love her.  This year of COVID19 I also happy to do something kind and uplifting for ME on MY day of giving birth 44 years ago. I gave her life and then a wonderful life. I’ve done my part. I am very satisfied at MY truth that I was a fantastic mom to her, loved her with all my heart and gave her everything good I possibly could. THAT is now my story! OMG.

Maybe we can all write a new story! Get out your journal and start writing. Quiet your mind and open your heart. Write and then write some more. Allow it all to flow. Now read it out loud to yourself, looking into your own eyes in a mirror. A very powerful tool. See how you feel now. No longer do you need to carry that old story in your heart any longer. Write your new story and read it whenever you need to feel better, to feel good! It’s ok to feel good and to be happy.

This year on that special day I am going out into my favorite spot in nature, away from people, COVID and masks. I am bringing a kite with me on this journey. When I arrive, I am attaching to that kite everything that I want to release. I see the kite lifting higher and higher; I smile while watching it rise peacefully into the heavens. Then… I am going to cut the string and watch it float up and away as I send a prayer for all of us to be healed.

 

 

2020 ~ Covid19

 

Speechless. Overwhelmed. Feeling helpless and also now hopeless in some ways too. No words can ever express the enormity of this global situation. Unprecedented is the most popular, widely used, appropriate, accurate and repeated word everywhere right now. It’s like nothing I have ever fathomed in all my seven decades of life on Planet Earth.

There has been a shaking up of many things world wide, including relationships. Many reconciliations and equally as many separations are part of our new “normal”.  People’s deepest inner truths seem to be constantly awakened and applied anywhere at any time. Lots of thoughts and emotions abound! We have concerns of survival in general as well as reflecting on the quality of our lives.  We’re concerned about each other, our countries, the economies, both local and international, and ourselves. Everything is constantly changing in every way throughout each day. The predictability of “normal” life is – no longer. It has been a challenging situation to adjust to.

Speaking with some friends and acquaintances who are also estranged grandparents, we compare notes of how we are holding up being in quarantine in our homes for months at a time, many of us alone and realizing the stark reality of how VERY alone we are. There are warnings everywhere to the high-risk populations susceptible to the potentially deadly Covid19 virus, which includes those over 65 years of age. We are very concerned about our estranged adult children and their children, our grandkids. Are they ok? What do they need? How can we help? Do they think or care about us in this life-threatening situation? What can we do about anyone or anything? What will happen next? How will we cope? What can/should we do! Our quality and quantity of sleep has been greatly compromised and challenged. Our entire schedules have been turned upside down. Our friendly and predictable little worlds have become threatening and possibly deadly if we make incorrect decisions based on varying and conflicting information from reliable and once trusted sources. It can sometimes feel very scary and exhausting.

Amidst all of the above, we are also very aware of the sad situation of family estrangement that affects our inner souls. No matter how well we conceal it or deal with it, the hard truth is that it still exists and is undeniable at this moment in time. Painfully so. We collectively wonder if our family thinks of us at all. Do we matter at all? Are we really as alone as we feel? Can this actually be true and not some dream to wake up to each morning, hoping it is only a dream, but then quickly realizing it is not. In the beginning, seniors were strongly instructed to not leave our houses for any reason. Organizations were quickly formed to help the elderly with their survival needs: getting food, household needs and medications delivered to their homes. Many people wanted to help. It was comforting.

Estranged grandparents were presented with a variety of scenarios. Some continued to be unacknowledged by their adult children; others were helped by friends or neighbors. Still other were taken care of by community organizations. And some had no one and fended for themselves the best they could. Of the multitudes of stories to share, here is the one chosen for today. May you ultimately be encouraged and inspired with more self-compassion and courage during this “unprecedented” time.

The beginning of the pandemic seemed serious and “Grandma” expected it to be over somewhat quickly. She was grateful to have a supply of food and necessities to take care of her needs for awhile. As the situation progressed, her supplies diminished. She was blessed with a personal community of giving and caring people who volunteered to help her. They would take her list, buy the supplies, deliver them to her and be reimbursed. It was comforting to have other’s who cared about her, and she also wished it could be her own nearby, bio family who wanted to be the ones caring about and helping her. Most unexpectedly one morning, her wish came true!

Her daughter called with concern about her, inviting her back into the family and offering to help her. Grandma immediately said YES and was so happy be together again with her estranged daughter and grandchildren who still lived 15 minutes away. She knew to be cautious, but opened her heart anyway. She missed them very much and was willing to take the risk one more time, in the BELIEF that they could enjoy the benefits of FAMILY. She slept very well that night.

It was a wonderful reuniting. She got to talk to her grandson on a video call. She looked at him, feeling overcome with emotion and said “Oh MY! You are all grown up, with a mustache & goatee!” Last time, he was still a young boy. It was a short call and one of the most precious five minutes of her life. Although she was anxious to see and speak to her granddaughter as well, it was time for their dinner and that ended the call.

The next couple of weeks or so were very endearing and fulfilling. Her daughter called regularly, said many kind and caring things, full of promises to help with shopping and family visits. She was concerned and compassionate about the issue of isolation and loneliness. She said she’d bring groceries and come every Sunday to visit outside, 6 feet apart, and looked forward to being together for an hour each week.  It would be so nice she said. Grandma was happy and looked very forward to being with her daughter and grandkids, after so many years of no contact.

Grandma has a very strong circle of friends and support. Those in that circle were very happy for her and also cautioned her to guard her heart, just in case things went awry again. “We never know what might happen…” Grandma thanked them for their concern and assured them that she was taking it slowly and this time it was different because of the life and death situation of Covid19. She KNEW her daughter loved her and it was all going to work out just fine this time. Right…

Without warning or explanation, the contact lessened. Fewer phone calls, shorter duration or straight to voicemail, no longer available, no groceries and no Sunday visits. Really? Again? Not possible. But it was and remains so. To her credit, her daughter did drop off a Starbucks coffee at Grandma’s front door, calling a few minutes later to asked if Grandma got it. What coffee, she asked, and was told that they just drove away after dropping off the coffee a few minutes ago. We left it at your front door. Grandma had been so excited to see her family in person after so many years and instead saw a lone cup of coffee, left by her family at her front door. She questioned her own expectations. How ungrateful a person is she to be disappointed with the thoughtfulness of a delicious Starbuck’s coffee – thoughtfully placed at her front door, even though she had eagerly anticipated the visit to see her precious family members in person with no significance of a cup of coffee! Perhaps that is the folly of this Grandma’s demise of ingratitude, unrealistic expectations, her agenda and  personal short comings. She still does not understand. Like Prince said, “Just like my mother, she’s never satisfied. Perhaps not.

A multitude of miscommunications and disappointments followed for a short while. There were never any Sunday visits or grocery deliveries. Despite Grandma’s attempts to connect, nothing seemed to work again. She did and still does not know why. Today she discovered her family has left their city and is out of town for a week. They never told her they were leaving or checked on her before the left. She accidentally found out, once again, they are gone.

The moral of the story is this. Family estrangement is not ok or acceptable in any form. We must be able and willing to care for ourselves and allow what IS to BE as it is – IF we are going to survive. Some things can-NOT be fixed, no matter how much we WANT them to be. And no matter WHAT we do, it will never be ok. We will never be OK until we ACCEPT that. Estranged family members need to go through the grieving and pain and at some point just let it be. There is NO solution, there is no repair and there is no getting better – deep down inside. After 5 years of weekly therapy sessions, it unfortunately in that deep-down-place, is NO better than before.

No matter what side of the fence you are on, the only person you can take care of is YOU. I believe no one of the millions of people affected by this tragedy understands or wants it to be as it is. But no matter, it still remains what it is. We have millions of people each with their own story, perspective, grievances and pain suffering greatly. I do not understand what it is all about and see no solution. It is a tragedy of the time we are living in historically. It’s not good and it’s not kind, but it IS what it IS.

I observe that the injured adult children ironically have the SAME hurt and pain,support groups, Facebook groups and therapy as the estranged parents and grandparents that no one can seem to reconcile or heal. I don’t know why that is either. It is all so sad and such a huge loss for everyone. Loose, loose.

As someone once told me as they were bailing out on a scary situation: “SAVE YOURSELF”. Basically, that’s it. Surround yourself with a circle of kind and caring people. Allow love to come into your life. Help others. Cry when you need to, laugh when you can and keep breathing. Find a way to help other people. Find ways to help yourself. Allow love into your life. Get close to God. And hope for the best.

Of course, I am the grandma in this story. I DO believe my daughter had the BEST of intentions when she called me, that she did feel love, concern and caring for me at that time. She DID want to help me and why it couldn’t continue remains the ongoing and unknown mystery of our lifetime together. I also deeply wanted to be with them at this time, help all of them with the wisdom acquired from living on this planet for 70+ years, to share this “unprecedented” time in history TOGETHER helping and supporting each other in a loving, united and strong family unit. I love her and my grandkids and hope they have peaceful, fulfilling and happy lives. I surrender and accept that I need to release this this dream of family in order for my life to continue, even though I have absolutely NO idea how to truly do that. Onward is the best I can do, holding them in my heart forever. For whatever unknowns I am responsible for, I am sorry and I hope my grandchildren can make life better for themselves and any future generations. Do the best you can to be the next healers of your ancestry, both sides. Amen and Ajo.

To my brave, smart, ever evolving Grandchildren. Passing the torch to each of you… I love you always. Grandma

 

Coronavirus

Just a few words to connect with whoever may read this. Everything has been said repeatedly for days now, and I am still here with you.

I want to send my best wishes and love to everyone, everywhere. Let’s take care of ourselves and others the best we are able. Most of us involved with the loss of our grandchildren are one group (being over 65 years of age) who are urged and encouraged to STAY HOME. Yes, we want to help, of COURSE. Let’s help the best way we can. STAY HOME, hold down the fort and pray.

Let’s feel the love and presence of others. Let’s send love and healing all around us and all over the world. Maybe it is true that the events occurring will ultimately bring something good to our entire planet, perhaps a new way of life and true peace on earth. The thought crossed my mind that “Having cancer actually saved my life” and maybe the virus will save our planet. It’s out of our control. Take care of yourself. Even if you are physically alone, none of us are alone. The entire world together is hoping, wishing, doing & praying for the BEST. Feel free to comment with each other here on this site.

I look forward to the opportunity to talk with you again. For tonight, rest well, sleep well and feel the love. XO

 

 

 

A New Life… valentines day

 

Many holidays are malevolent, made-up, money-making, malicious machinations of mental and emotional manipulation! Ba HUMBUG!

Last night I went to bed happy, slept well and woke up overcome with sadness. WHY? Then I was reminded it was Valentine’s Day. The special day of love, gifts and fun with family. I thought I was indifferent and unaffected by it, I didn’t think it mattered at all. I was wrong. Where was the reset button to make it a happy day vs one of depression and sadness. It’s sure a test of our sense of self worth.

Truth? My life is very nice. I am usually very happy, all is well in my world and I am very loved. It’s taken many years of dedicated effort to reach this place of peace and maintaining it remains one of my top priorities.  Today I have another opportunity to resolve this in a timely manner. Ready, set, GO.

I googled the origin of Valentine’s Day. Interesting. If it’s of any interest to you, check it out. That info is what prompted me to shift gears and arrive at my first sentence of this post. If I can go along with the mass belief system and agreement of the significance of this day-of love, I can also CHANGE that belief. Right? It turns out to be so! In the span of less than an hour I was able to completely re-examine some of my beliefs. Am I less loved or cared about by not having a significant other, or my grandkids in my life, showering me with gifts today? Is who I am and what I contribute to the world negated because my life doesn’t include hearts, flowers or boxes of chocolates on THIS one particular day?

An unexpected gift on this day-of-love has arrived and is thrilling. It goes like this: MY world, life, value and reality are absolutely fine exactly the way they are, right now. I have the CHOICE of how I want to feel. Years ago this process could have taken days or weeks; today it took an HOUR. It truly is a beautiful  gift to myself to realize I can be aware of my thoughts and emotions and adjust them when necessary. That option is always available! Wow.

This day has gone from depressing to delightful with just a quick adjustment of perception. Again, I choose HAPPY and am willing to take the steps to be there. Now, the day is beautiful again, cool desert temperatures to bask in, a sweet friend to spend the afternoon with and a beautiful life to live. WHAT AMAZING PROGRESS.

Holiday, schmol-iday. hahaha Google THAT. haha My intention is to remember to apply this lesson to the next holiday or special day that would normally make me sad. My granddaughter once made up a song when she was little and we had so much fun singing it together. Little did I know how significant that silly song would be in my life today!

“DON’T BE SAD ~ BE GLAD…”  la-la-la ... Composed years ago by one sweet granddaughter who I love with all my heart, on Valentine’s Day, and every other day too!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

Back-up Plans

Apparently ~ it’s not over till it’s over. Today I learned again that in life and in alienation, we never know what’s around any corner. In the last few hours I have realized the need for back-up plans and more than just simply a Plan B. Oh no, many more than simply one. My suggestion is to have an “emergency plan” always in place and readily available – in writing. On my list for emotional 911’s is: #1 Have a list of your inner circle of people who you are CERTAIN care about you and are on your team without question. Be very selective. In times of emergency, you may need these people to hold you together as you gather up your own inner supplies again. Be sure to call people who WILL tell you whatever you need to hear to make it through the first moments of a crisis. They will be your personal “First Responders”. Tell them why you’re calling and what you need to hear from them. For me this time I was loosing faith in ME. I am so willing to be “wrong” and to examine myself that I got lost in a conversation today with someone sharing a derisive story about me told to them by my alienator. I considered that perhaps I was completely deluding myself during all these years of pain and that I may be responsible for much of the alienation issue that plagued my very being and that I may have actually created the issues of dysfunction in our family. I WAS THE CAUSE! ? Was I the cause… My mind whirled around without end, around and around. It was unnerving and scary. I felt weak-kneed and dizzy. I didn’t know what to do. What to do??? I was too scared to even cry. I needed contact with someone to tell me I was ok and IT would be ok. To remind me to “breathe” and relax, to help me find my center, my confidence and inner knowing that took a little siesta. No matter how strong we are, at times we can all be so fragile! Maybe it’s true that the stronger we are, the harder we fall. Sometimes we ALL can just crumble. That’s when we call in the A-TEAM, our personal militia, the front line! I made the phone call and they ANSWERED the phone, thank God!!! “I need help right now. Are you available?” It’s important to begin with that question as we have no idea what is happening in anyone elses life and if they ARE up to supporting us in any given moment. Be prepared to move down the list if they are not available and honor their honesty. She said YES. With that one little word I felt hopeful. She reminded me of things we had talked about over and again many times, the abuse, the meanness, the sadness, the traumas encountered over many years. To also be reminded of how “clever” the sweet little alienators can appear to be. There is nothing I can do about that or how she uses her charms to seduce others into her realm without their knowing or agreement, because of the kind hearts and trusting natures of those victims. I love them and forgive them for they simply trust too much and do not know they have been “hooked”. More victims and casualties of other’s twisted minds and not-so-nice premeditated strategies. I cannot tell them, they don’t believe me. So I focus on self preservation and taking care of me the best I am able, with a “little help from my friends”, as the dear “Beatles” song goes. My phone call with Responder #1 was complete. Now I feel calmer, have a drink of water, go for a walk… and return home. These situations can be very complicated. My thoughts are still moving too quickly. I call Responder #2. She also answers and is available with another clear version of support and a successful exchange. I feel relieved that I escaped alive again and am most grateful. I’m definitely prepared for the next time this may happen and will NOT be caught so off guard.

What is my take-away and how may I be of service to others by sharing something I learned today? Keep doing your healing work within yourself. Practice staying centered and strong in any situation. Practice on little things to be stronger for the bigger ones. Discover what works for YOU. Use each annoying or trying experience during an ordinary day, to practice keeping your center and staying grounded. Assemble your list of  “Responders” wanting to be on your team and put them into groups, Team A, B, or C. Have their contact info easy to find and ASK FOR HELP when you need it. It’s not heroic, or weak or necessary to go it alone. Look at any current crisis and choose who would be the most helpful to reach out to. And then be honest and real and LISTEN to what they have to say, taking in their opinions to analyze and apply to the current scenario of what YOU believe to be the best course of action for you. Only WE know what is in our highest good. By gathering up ourselves along with the opinions of others, we can then feel confident in our next course of action. Thankfully, once again, we are not alone. Yay!

My goal is to have peace and be happy. Will “this” decision help me achieve that? And then follow through if even in the smallest way. Do something to assert your power for yourself. Be grateful for your team and for your courage and determination to LIVE your life and achieve YOUR goals. You can get knocked off track, and you can also get back ON. Today is living proof for me; it was a HARD ONE, and if I can do it, so can YOU. High Five!