Keeping the Secret

What if there is more than one skeleton in more than one closet? The experience of being shunned, alienated, discarded, unwanted or estranged from ones own family presents many complications and confusion. For a long time I have felt very embarrassed and ashamed about being rejected as a grandmother and have shared that truth with only my closest friends and relatives. It’s also interesting to realize that I have actually been “protecting” my daughter and guarding the “secret” of her abhorrent behavior toward me. Today, that changed.

It was an emotional day because of the family observance of the first year anniversary of the passing of my son-in-law, the FATHER of my grandchildren. I heard about the gathering through the “grapevine” when I was also informed that attendance was by invitation only. No, I did not receive any invitation. Again, I would have chosen to be with my grandkids and support them with all my heart and deep love for them. It was not to be. I cannot imagine what they think or feel – if anything – about my absence. Their dad comes from an extremely large immediate and extended family along with multitudes of friends from all parts of the world. I can see why I possibly wouldn’t even be missed among the crowd. At the same time, there is only ONE maternal grandmother and that is, and forever will be, ME.

A shift happened today when several people came to visit me at MY home on their way out of town. Coming from such a solemn space, hearts can open in unusual ways. That is what happened today. I WAS embarrassed that I wasn’t at the ceremony and decided to FINALLY speak UP and acknowledge that it wasn’t my choice and that I was sad not being with everyone and sharing our sorrow and grief together. I went on to share a brief explanation along with some unexpected tears. Sharing the TRUTH brought us closer together and opened the doors for authentic conversations. It felt very good to connect again with these people who have been a big part of my life and heart.

My daughter lives by a moral code that states, “Everything that happens in the family stays ONLY in the family.” Today I realized that after all these years of total estrangement,  I have STILL been abiding by her code. WOW! What a total joy to say the hell with her code. MY code is love, honesty and heart connections with those I care about and love. I cannot adequately describe the feeling of delight of freeing myself from her mental manipulation, which I didn’t even realize I have been doing. She doesn’t need me in her life and I don’t need to follow her rules. It may sound odd if you’ve never been in this situation, but it’s a subtle and very powerful thing. And I am TODAY… FREE. Hooooray and hallelujah.

There also is a respectful way to go about this procedure. The conversation in my living room today was a positive and open one. There was no need to go into any specific details, but only convey the general reasons of why I have not been at group gatherings that I had formerly participated in for over 20 years. It felt so good to be authentic and share from my heart and be honest. I explained that I chose the path of peace vs conflict; that I had good reasons to bow out quietly for the good of all including my grandchildren. I am proud of myself for the courage and sacrifice it took to do that. Today was the opportunity to make things “right” in honestly and respectfully sharing. As a result, tonight I feel a deep inner peace. I shared my truth.

I once had a client who shared a beautiful sentiment with me. It goes something like this, “I want people to feel better as a result of having been with me.” ME TOO! I am so grateful for having the opportunity to follow my heart today, to actually say my truth and bravely be my authentic self. In the process I believe it was a meaningful and positive experience for those kind souls who shared some time with me today. Another win-win. Amen and Aho Mitakuye. xo

 

 

Alone. True or False?

Through many years of deliberation I believe I have formed one definite conclusion. The majority of my evidence convinces me that we truly are – alone. We can be surrounded by many people or no people, but the inner awareness can appear to feel identical. Simply by being among people may or may not relieve the feeling of being “alone”.

Over time I have felt deeply connected with significant others for lengthy periods of time which warmed my heart and soul and touched me deeply. I remember sweet feelings of connection, love and security. As the years went by I decided that there seemed to be ONE truth on planet Earth. Things will ALWAYS change in one way or another. Everything and everyone may be transitory. Some people die, other people make new decisions leading to inevitable changes for more than themselves. There are divorces terminating the (NOT) happily-ever-after we were so mistakenly under the illusion of being true. “Growing old together” provided some justification for committing to the vicissitudes of life, businesses, child bearing and raising, along with a zillion other subjects over a lifetime of constant flux. The prevailing thought was that “It would all be worth it some day”. Who knew! If I knew then what I know now would I make different choices?  I used to say that I wouldn’t change things, even knowing the outcome. NOW.. I say yes, I would definitely make other choices. I would NEVER have allowed myself to be in the place I am in today.

It’s not such a bad place nor is it such a good place. It just is a place. Now with all my accrued wisdom I get to hopefully, this time, make better decisions for myself to make it a better place. For MYSELF and not someone else. No one knows shit about anyone else’s perceptions or experiences of anyone’s life but their own. We ALONE are the only ones who truly know and understand US. After all these years, I finally like who I am. Not necessarily WHERE I am, but I think I am a pretty good person and I do have an inner peace of knowing that I gave “it” my all, did my best and didn’t give up whenever it got too hard. I am proud of me. A word often used to describe me is resilient and I agree!

Think of any major event in life you experienced. Does anyone really know exactly how you felt deep inside? How COULD they? Only I know my reasons and how I felt leaving home at 18, or years later standing at the altar of a Chicago cathedral saying “I do”, or how I felt carrying a child inside my body and then having an unexpected c-section and onward for the following 47 years up till today. A kaleidoscope of great imaginings.

We can comfort each other always, but NEVER will we know what anything was really like for another. Not ONE person knows how I felt fighting for my life with a diagnosis of cancer and the following consequence of loosing everything I thought I had planned so well for my secure future. HA! YET, despite my interpretation of all that, I am here today 100% healthy, comfortable and blessed.

After surviving all the years of challenges, how is that I cannot FIX the issue of the loss of my grandchildren in my life? For years I have done everything I could imagine or was advised to do about it and nothing has worked. Possibly one of the hardest things to accept is that I do not have any idea WHY.  Unless someone has had a similar circumstance in their life, it is incomprehensible. I belong to support groups for this topic with many others sharing strikingly similar stories. I also volunteer with several children’s organizations, a women’s shelter, am a support person for cancer patients and volunteer in a variety of school venues. Yes, they are all lovely, beautiful and fulfilling. My heart is touched and I am so happy I am able to be of service.  While I am active in those venues I am also sad for the losses in my life. You may wonder what prompted this outpouring? What may this sharing be leading up to? Here it is.

The HOLIDAYS have arrived. The most wonderful time of the year is NOT. Stay tuned for more. All this is about self preservation techniques and HOW those of us in this situation can survive yet another deeply sad and lonely time. As the title of my blog suggests, this is a FORUM and I would be so grateful to hear any positive ideas from anyone who has them. Feel free to share, dialogue etc and maybe together this year, it can be better, easier, or something… HO HO HO. You are not alone…  True or False???