NO ~ The many versions of…

Awake all of last night – again. Because??? I really can’t even say. Today I accept another seeming reality. This issue may be with me the rest of my life to one degree or another. My wish and expectation has always been that I will find a resolution and a new lease on life without my family and that has been true for limited amounts of time. Then along come the moments like last night and the thoughts, feelings and emotions come tumbling back. Dang! It almost feels like not breathing. We can only do it for so long.

I reflected on the word NO. I’ve used it successfully in many ways. Now I am going to apply it to MYSELF and my brain process – somehow. Actually, one of the regrets I have is that I didn’t embrace that word long ago and maybe this situation wouldn’t be as pervasive as it is and so disruptive to my joy.

Today’s process. To kindly say no to the thoughts that appear out of nowhere and suddenly rearrange my entire perspective of life. My life is good. It is filled with all kinds of wonderful and fulfilling activities, people, places and things. When suddenly I am transported back into the severe feelings of sadness, grief, loss, loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. I’ve learned how to successfully say NO to others. It is now time to say NO to unwanted and uninvited THOUGHTS that plummet me into despair. NO.

Ah-HA. The trigger for this “visit” was a phone conversation today with a dear friend. During our talk they told me that I was not seeing things correctly and needed to rethink what I was saying. As I’ve stated earlier, after the events or NON-events of graduation this year, I have decided to let go of ANY and ALL expectations of any future contact with my daughter or my grandchildren. I have been successfully removed from their lives. The best coping tool I have for that now is to accept that as it is, and not continue any hope of what the future may hold that they may come back, that things may change, that there is always hope. NO. It has been that very thinking that has caused me such deep sorrow and disappointment for many, many, many YEARS. If I keep doing the same thing, having those same thoughts, it can only continue to hold me hostage to “maybe someday”. What if there is no “someday” and there is only THIS day? What possible good does it do me to think about anything that causes such pain? NONE. I finally see it! I say NO to some day. I say NO to other people’s opinions of what I should or should not think. After all these years, I am solely responsible for what I think and how I consequently allow those thoughts to effect every moment of my life. On the other hand, I deeply appreciate the love and support from my friends and I know they share their thoughts out of care and concern for me. Ah, that feels nice. Thank you for your kindness and best of intentions. Now I have the gift of realizing the power of NO in another way. Thank you for sharing and I must do what I know is best for me at every turn. For now, I am very clear about my current path. NO more thoughts, hopes or possibilities of any reunification with those I longed for over many years. They are not in my life and clearly do not want me in theirs. And so it is. To the best of my ability, I close that door, close that chapter and walk on.

The gifts, love and support in my life are many! I am so grateful for every one and every thing. Life is a journey, a mystery, a maze… I want to now turn that “maze” into amaze-ment, healing and positivity. To love, respect and cherish the life I have been given and to use it in the best way I can to take care of me, help others and be part of making our world a better place in some way. Wishing you all a peaceful journey with kindness along the way. Take care of YOU and perhaps explore the word NO and its many applications. Trust yourself to make the best choices for YOU!  xo

Bad days – Glad days

My grandson’s graduation from HS was almost 4 weeks ago, it feels like 4 years. This journey…

Allow me to begin with the good news. Yes, there actually is some. Since I consciously decided four weeks ago to cut the emotional cord of connection to my daughter and grandkids the results have been very positive for me. I have finally, truly and honestly accepted the situation exactly as it is and have taken control of my constant thoughts of hoping things will change and we will be together again ~ with NO evidence of that ever happening. Instead I am practicing being in THIS moment vs. grieving the past or the future. Yes, I have even grieved the future, now that is plain ridiculous – crying over the future which has not even happened? Not good! When occasional thoughts of sadness come, now I am vigilant in guarding my mind to maintain peace and quiet. Those disruptive thoughts of sadness are like pesky mosquitos – go AWAY – you’re annoying me. With practice it is becoming easier to recognize and discard them immediately and go on to choose something positive to put my thoughts on. CHOOSING our thoughts is possible. Try it!!! Simply be aware and even say out loud if it helps: “I no longer want this thought, it only makes me sad and does not change the situation. I now choose something positive to put my attention on that makes me HAPPY”.  Take a deep breath, quiet your mind. Feel your body begin to gently relax. Breathe… It is ok to be happy and have a better life. We can all do this.

Once I saw a poster that showed a house in utter chaos with a caption of: “The outside is  a reflection of the inside”. It hit very close to home. MY house, both inner and outer, had become a sorry mess for quite some time, but I never was motivated to make it beautiful again. It certainly was a reflection of my matching turmoil-filled inner self. Last week I decided to get in motion and clean one little area of my living room where my Great Dane sleeps. That one small step began with putting on some energizing music and then I was sweeping, mopping, moving furniture, dusting, cleaning the blinds, doing laundry, washing a wall and even painting it! When I noticed the clock it was three hours later! Even more surprising was how uplifted, fulfilled, peaceful and pleased with myself I felt. It was wonderful, so wonderful in fact that I completed the rest of the room during the following week. The more settled the outer became, the SAME happened within me. WOW. I like this!! One week later ~ my living room is sparkling clean and unclutter, the furniture is rearranged and there is an unexpected bonus! The invisible and stagnant energy lurking around is also gone! The windows are crystal clear and the beautiful views of the mountains have returned. There is a lovely sense of lightness and calm in my house and my inner self. I am also sleeping much better. Who ever knew? Pretty cool!! I am so grateful for SO much, and that adds to my sense of peace and having a smile from the inside out.

Then the big surprise this morning. Overwhelming sadness again. OH NO!!! My experiment for today has been to ALLOW it to be. A thought, yes a thought, triggered this entire day changing course. Ok, bring it on! What if I just invite this in, ride it out and see what happens? I arranged fluffy pillows on my couch, put on a movie channel, got a glass of water, a box of kleenex and a little blanket. A cried a little and much to my surprise fell fast asleep – at 11:00a.m on this sunny Sunday morning. Two hours later I woke up feeling better. Once again I turned OFF the TV, made a little snack and followed my positive thought of sharing this experience with you! When we are in tune with God and ourselves we make healthier choices in each new moment. Today I allowed the sadness and it turned into a healing. I just followed what felt like the right path, and it was.

In my old way of thinking, today could have stayed a BAD DAY.

With my new way of thinking, I have made it a GLAD DAY.

You can too!!!

XO

“Don’t be sad, be glad….” N.M.

IF the time comes… to say good-bye

Continuing on with the emotional aftermath of HS Graduation as an alienated grandparent. Over the last few weeks I realize this event has been a game changer in that there IS no more game. It is completely over and done. I think it has been for a long time and I just didn’t want to see it.

I can no longer deny that my grandson is gone from my life. No one knows the future. BIG question now is in my face. How long am I going to live my life waiting, holding onto a hope that MAYBE he will be in my life again “some day”. I truly believe IF he wanted to see me, he absolutely would have. There is NO indication of that happening anywhere other than my heart and imagination. It’s a loss unlike any other. He is gone even though he lives 15 minutes from my house and it has been this way for many years. Which brings me to the next question: HOW LONG AM I WILLING TO STOP LIVING MY LIFE, WHILE I AM STILL HERE AND ALIVE?

A couple of days ago I happened to sit with a grandma at a fund-raiser for her grandson who also graduated the same week as my grandson. WHAT a happy celebration they all had! The very next day her grandson was at the wrong place and the wrong time, was shot and died. I sat and cried with this woman who I had never met before, sharing our private griefs. She asked if I knew her grandson and I replied no, but I too had lost a grandson, without explaining the details. Several days later I had an awakening. Although my grief has been debilitating and unbearable at times, I think I am FINALLY ready for it to STOP. I am grieving for something that there is nothing I can do to change – just as it is with the other grandma I sat with. Different circumstances with the same result in our lives.

I have been waiting. Many, many years. ~ And it is now time to let go of any more hopes or dreams about him (or my granddaughter) sharing life with me. This posting is about him because it’s his graduation. There are equally heartbreaking events regarding my granddaughter which will be another blog. She’ll get her own page too. Oh yay! The best scenario is that someday he WILL be back in my life in ways I truly cannot and will not imagine any more. I have an insight now that maybe it has become NORMAL for them to not have grandparents in their lives and that they aren’t or missing us like we are them because they don’t remember that there is anything to miss. It has been too long and the kids adapt because they must. It’s just “life” and life goes on. It’s entirely different for us. In a way I hope that IS true because I want them to be happy. I HOPE they are.

So, now I am staring at the beginning of a new life and outlook for me. Volunteering with children is something I have been doing for years. I cannot think about what was lost in our family anymore, but I can think about and DO something to hopefully be of service to other kids and other families. When my heart is touched by helping another child I must stay mindful to NOT transfer that experience to a WISH that I could be having that experience with MY grandchild. It’s a perfect lesson in Mindfulness. Stay in THIS moment as much as we are able. Don’t lament the past nor wait to be happy some time in the future. What about NOW! LIVE now. Be AWARE of all we have to be grateful for – right now – and yes, even with the loss of our grandkids in our lives. I believe we are here for some good reasons that involve goodness, kindness, purpose, happiness and joy. I am determined to share that with others and to be open to receive it back, to be appreciated and have value in some way, somewhere, to someone.  It’s a human necessity. We ARE all in this together. There is so much stress in the world currently. I want to be part of some kind of solution, not matter how small or how large. I refuse to sit at home and cry anymore.

It is time. Time to say GOOD-BYE, but in a good way. Good bye to unexpected tears in public places, to deep anger and frustration, to grieving and sadness, depression, ruminating, insomnia and the numbing effect and unwanted weight gain of sugar and ice cream. It’s like summoning the courage to jump off the high dive. The only way to do it  is… to DO IT.

NOW is my jumping off time. I have no idea what will happen, who will be there, or what results will occur. But I do know that I simply cannot allow my remaining precious life to be a complete and total waste when there is so much good that I have to contribute somewhere.

In conclusion, may all of us find our way through this darkness. When we do, I hope we will be able to help make this crazy world we’re all a part of,  a better place for ourselves and some else too. In final conclusion for this posting, I would also like to deeply thank my most skilled therapist for all their support, caring and true help in navigating these treacherous waters. I am so grateful, thank you so very much! Onward… xo