Today my choice is clear. The insanity MUST end for me to survive this actual insanity and pain of my daughter controlling, manipulating and preventing my grandkids from having any kind of a relationship with me. Today I completely surrender to whatever higher power there is. There is NOTHING left to do that I haven’t continually tried over and over again. Anything to have those precious kids in my life. After 18 years, she has won – at the total expense of our family, her children and me. I resign from any more encounters with her or expectations of having any relationship or contact with my grandkids. It’s over, it’s done. She is the victor. Ten years ago I survived cancer as a direct result of her constant malicious behavior toward me. At that time I lacked the knowledge and tools necessary to protect myself from her vicious behavior, but this time I am doing things differently and am staying healthy and strong. Now I am prepared and supported to be able to continue to live my life, even without them and be ok. I pray they are too.
Last night my grandson was scheduled to graduate High School. I’m not even sure if he did. I was not invited or included in any way. It was a huge dilemma to attend or not. With the encouragement of my therapist, good friends and family members I decided it may not be in my, nor my grandson’s, best interest to just “show up”. My daughter’s behavior can be so unpredictable, the risk of possible consequences was too high and I stayed away.
The two days since then have found myself in a precarious emotional state. Despite my “tools”, I’ve been overwhelmed with emotions, loss, grieving, sadness, tears and utter devastation. I feel like someone has died and energetically they have. This is the end of a dream with all it’s joys, hopes and possibilities. My grandson is now legally an adult. Done with childhood and all the special things I wanted to give him and share with him. It is all over and too late. Now the harsh realities of adult life are his forever more. I mourn the loss of being able to make his childhood life a little more fun with some special gramma memories, wisdom, guidance etc. All. Too. Late. It’s so hard to accept. Only I will know what he missed out on. So sad…
Now he has NO contact with me. With social media and cell phones, I don’t know why. It’s very difficult. I can’t imagine he doesn’t care about me, but if he did, wouldn’t he contact me in the briefest of ways? I simply have no way of knowing. And so…
I love him always. I’m grateful for the briefest opportunities I unexpectedly had this year to tell him in person how much I love him, that I am here for him at anytime (while I am still alive) with my home and heart always open to him. Tonight I MUST accept that is the best and ALL I can do. All the hopes, attempts and possibilities are no more. He grew up and now … I don’t know. My prayers are with him that he is ok, that he is happy and that he has a good life full of love, kindness, caring and support.
My other prayers are with ME, to also continue on with a happy and meaningful life. I very much want to live to a healthy old age and maybe someday be able to witness what a fine young man he continues to be with lots of love and support all around him. Whether I ever see him again is out of my hands. I release him (and me) over to our Creator, trusting it will all be ok now and forever. Amen. May this be the FINAL “worst day of my life” – with many GOOD days ahead for each of us. I love you so much, Grandson. Maybe someday I’ll see you again at my front door. 🙂 In the meantime, have a wonderful summer and much happiness and success in all you do. I hope you remember some of the positive and uplifting things we have talked about, complete with Mr. Bear’s wisdom and that you take good care of YOU. I love you and wish you Blue Skies always. xo Gramma
Grandparent Alienation Forum 