After EIGHT MONTHS of quarantine, isolation, masks, news reports, controversies, protests, riots, civil unrest, a crumbling educational system, shortages of supplies, catastrophic weather events, angry dangerous drivers, plus so much more! I have survived physically and mentally. Sort of…
Emotions have run the full gamut from 1 to 10 and everywhere in between. It has been utterly exhausting and is now bordering on deeply depressing. We constantly are being told so much unsettling news and future predictions which constantly change from day to day. Not to mention the upcoming election with extreme unknown consequences for our safety, welfare, security and country!
The issue of family estrangement is in itself completely overwhelming. After using up the majority of my patience with the Covid situation past EIGHT MONTHS, I have found myself at an all time low today. Why is that? Let me share!
My daughter and I had a brief attempt at reconciliation at the beginning of the virus outbreak with very high hopes of uniting and joining forces in kindness. I went full in, 100%, AGAIN. What a stupid woman I am. Really & truly!
Sparing the details, that lasted all of a few DAYS. Yes, days. Last night I found a digital receipt and warranty on my computer for a gift we gave my grandson for his 18th birthday. I went to his FB private message to send it to him. Unbeknownst to me and much to my grave disappointment, he has blocked me and now there is no way to reach him. Although we’ve had no contact for years, we both left a window open to be reached. He is now 19 years old, living with his mom & siblings and then closed that door to me. I have NO idea why and am extremely distressed, sad, emotional and feel so alone and ON my own. Yes, I have great support from other family and friends, but no one can take his place. I was awake all night, trying to calm down and accept what IS that I have NO power to change. This has completely knocked me over. It is one of the hugest losses of my life because it is such stark rejection and removes any hope of ever seeing him again. How or why would things ever change or ever be ok? I simply can’t imagine it. And I also don’t want to accept that possibility either.
The inspiring words I usually enjoy sharing have vanished for now. All hope is gone. I know with time and more prayer, focus, friends & GOD’s mercy, life will go on, but for what? I’ve been dancing this dance with his mom for 20 YEARS. It is over and has been for so long. Lesson? STOP making any contact. STOP all thoughts of them. Do NOT contact them for anything. Offering him the receipt is totally unnecessary contact. In reflection, my emotions got the best of me and wanted to just say hi, to do something to remind him I am here and love him. Oh, dear Lord. Ok, deep breathe. The ONLY person affected by any of this is ME. I do it to myself.
My son who is not part of the estrangement reminds me of this every time I bring up any conversation about my grandkids. Maybe I need to carry a little stop-sign and wave it at myself the minute my heart and thoughts go anywhere near them. I just don’t know and I’m exhausted on every level from ALL of this BS. It doesn’t stop because I don’t stop. And there is my answer. Plain and simple. STOP all thoughts, feelings and contact with my daughter and grandkids. It is all up to me, my awareness, perceptions and discipline. Time has been proven it cannot be repaired. It has NOT changed over many, many years. Yet, I continue stepping up just one more time. I can continue that till my grave. Or not. It sounds so simple and it is far from that! It really feels impossible. No amount of therapy, ice cream, crying, writing, wishing, hoping or even praying has resulted in any lasting result. Dummy! Is it “kind” to close the book on this situation? Shockingly, I think it is – KIND to me. Remember I am the only one seemingly suffering about the loss of these precious beings. I am not a precious being to them and the sooner I really get that deep in my heart (and mind), I think I’ll be able to heal a whole new layer. Remove my veil of hope. It’s CRAZY to try to be in a relationship with anyone who is NOT in ANY relationship with me, nor do they want to be. Healthy, wise, intelligent women do not continue repeating the same behavior no matter how clearly they are silently told to KEEP OUT.
On the other hand I have so many other family members, friends, community members, clients, students and associates who are ALWAYS welcoming me with kind hearts and open arms. I think to myself how grateful I am for all of them, but then think “but they are not my daughter and grandkids.” Well hurray for that!!! Celebrate, you silly woman, because who would ever want to be treated the way that part of my family has and still does treat me? I cannot fix it. My job now is to do the work necessary on myself to believe that it is ok for me to walk away from them and all my hopes, wishes, disappointments, abuse and PAIN of continuing to try to connect with them. I need to walk on a new path and take my heart with me to that new place. I love them. I pray for them. I wish them health and happiness, but I NOW also wish the same for MYSELF. I realize the apathy I had was for ME – not them. I stopped caring about ME and allowed this situation to brew one more time as I took another sip of the toxic tea. They did NOTHING to me, I did it to myself. Therefore, I can STOP doing it to myself, right? I can be happy, joyful and enthusiastic about LIVING a beautiful life, which is already in place right now. Love, appreciation, personal value, inclusion and respect are right in front of me! It’s ok to take that step. It is ok to take that giant step forward for the highest good of all. Including ME. Deep breath. It sounds possible and then I question myself again. Really??? MY happiness is my next goal and I WILL achieve it!
If anyone wants to join me, if you’re in any kind of similar situation, make a comment, send me an email, whatever… and we can do it together perhaps. It just can’t possibly be any worse than continuing what I’ve been doing that has NEVER succeeded. So…it’s up to everyone to take their own personal inventory (or not) and muster up the courage to close one door, so maybe, just maybe, another WILL open to a whole new world reflecting who we are and what want and deserve ~LOVE . Happy travels and much healing and love to all. AMEN.
Wear a mask! Or don’t! 🙂 The apathy is still with me and growing. Many prayers for our planet and all life on it! Sending healing love everywhere.
Grandparent Alienation Forum 