After EIGHT MONTHS of quarantine, isolation, masks, news reports, controversies, protests, riots, civil unrest, a crumbling educational system, shortages of supplies, catastrophic weather events, angry dangerous drivers, plus so much more! I have survived physically and mentally. Sort of…
Emotions have run the full gamut from 1 to 10 and everywhere in between. It has been utterly exhausting and is now bordering on deeply depressing. We constantly are being told so much unsettling news and future predictions which constantly change from day to day. Not to mention the upcoming election with extreme unknown consequences for our safety, welfare, security and country!
The issue of family estrangement is in itself completely overwhelming. After using up the majority of my patience with the Covid situation past EIGHT MONTHS, I have found myself at an all time low today. Why is that? Let me share!
My daughter and I had a brief attempt at reconciliation at the beginning of the virus outbreak with very high hopes of uniting and joining forces in kindness. I went full in, 100%, AGAIN. What a stupid woman I am. Really & truly!
Sparing the details, that lasted all of a few DAYS. Yes, days. Last night I found a digital receipt and warranty on my computer for a gift we gave my grandson for his 18th birthday. I went to his FB private message to send it to him. Unbeknownst to me and much to my grave disappointment, he has blocked me and now there is no way to reach him. Although we’ve had no contact for years, we both left a window open to be reached. He is now 19 years old, living with his mom & siblings and then closed that door to me. I have NO idea why and am extremely distressed, sad, emotional and feel so alone and ON my own. Yes, I have great support from other family and friends, but no one can take his place. I was awake all night, trying to calm down and accept what IS that I have NO power to change. This has completely knocked me over. It is one of the hugest losses of my life because it is such stark rejection and removes any hope of ever seeing him again. How or why would things ever change or ever be ok? I simply can’t imagine it. And I also don’t want to accept that possibility either.
The inspiring words I usually enjoy sharing have vanished for now. All hope is gone. I know with time and more prayer, focus, friends & GOD’s mercy, life will go on, but for what? I’ve been dancing this dance with his mom for 20 YEARS. It is over and has been for so long. Lesson? STOP making any contact. STOP all thoughts of them. Do NOT contact them for anything. Offering him the receipt is totally unnecessary contact. In reflection, my emotions got the best of me and wanted to just say hi, to do something to remind him I am here and love him. Oh, dear Lord. Ok, deep breathe. The ONLY person affected by any of this is ME. I do it to myself.
My son who is not part of the estrangement reminds me of this every time I bring up any conversation about my grandkids. Maybe I need to carry a little stop-sign and wave it at myself the minute my heart and thoughts go anywhere near them. I just don’t know and I’m exhausted on every level from ALL of this BS. It doesn’t stop because I don’t stop. And there is my answer. Plain and simple. STOP all thoughts, feelings and contact with my daughter and grandkids. It is all up to me, my awareness, perceptions and discipline. Time has been proven it cannot be repaired. It has NOT changed over many, many years. Yet, I continue stepping up just one more time. I can continue that till my grave. Or not. It sounds so simple and it is far from that! It really feels impossible. No amount of therapy, ice cream, crying, writing, wishing, hoping or even praying has resulted in any lasting result. Dummy! Is it “kind” to close the book on this situation? Shockingly, I think it is – KIND to me. Remember I am the only one seemingly suffering about the loss of these precious beings. I am not a precious being to them and the sooner I really get that deep in my heart (and mind), I think I’ll be able to heal a whole new layer. Remove my veil of hope. It’s CRAZY to try to be in a relationship with anyone who is NOT in ANY relationship with me, nor do they want to be. Healthy, wise, intelligent women do not continue repeating the same behavior no matter how clearly they are silently told to KEEP OUT.
On the other hand I have so many other family members, friends, community members, clients, students and associates who are ALWAYS welcoming me with kind hearts and open arms. I think to myself how grateful I am for all of them, but then think “but they are not my daughter and grandkids.” Well hurray for that!!! Celebrate, you silly woman, because who would ever want to be treated the way that part of my family has and still does treat me? I cannot fix it. My job now is to do the work necessary on myself to believe that it is ok for me to walk away from them and all my hopes, wishes, disappointments, abuse and PAIN of continuing to try to connect with them. I need to walk on a new path and take my heart with me to that new place. I love them. I pray for them. I wish them health and happiness, but I NOW also wish the same for MYSELF. I realize the apathy I had was for ME – not them. I stopped caring about ME and allowed this situation to brew one more time as I took another sip of the toxic tea. They did NOTHING to me, I did it to myself. Therefore, I can STOP doing it to myself, right? I can be happy, joyful and enthusiastic about LIVING a beautiful life, which is already in place right now. Love, appreciation, personal value, inclusion and respect are right in front of me! It’s ok to take that step. It is ok to take that giant step forward for the highest good of all. Including ME. Deep breath. It sounds possible and then I question myself again. Really??? MY happiness is my next goal and I WILL achieve it!
If anyone wants to join me, if you’re in any kind of similar situation, make a comment, send me an email, whatever… and we can do it together perhaps. It just can’t possibly be any worse than continuing what I’ve been doing that has NEVER succeeded. So…it’s up to everyone to take their own personal inventory (or not) and muster up the courage to close one door, so maybe, just maybe, another WILL open to a whole new world reflecting who we are and what want and deserve ~LOVE . Happy travels and much healing and love to all. AMEN.
Wear a mask! Or don’t! 🙂 The apathy is still with me and growing. Many prayers for our planet and all life on it! Sending healing love everywhere.
Grandparent Alienation Forum 
Hi Bev, I usually read things from you very slow so I don’t miss a word. But, this one, I felt like I couldn’t read fast enough—I could have written it myself. Almost the exact situation except for one thing. Even though my grddtr is now 18, I know for certain she wants ‘grandma’. I, too, have been blocked by my dtr–totally. My grddtr is smart to ”do things” that ‘signal’ me, but when I respond it goes unanswered so I know her parents are still trying to totally control her. I’m so sorry for all the hurt you must endure. It’s not right, but many people don’t even want to hear about it any more. It’s almost 1am as I write this, but I really wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And yes, that darn depression keeps rearing it’s ugly head, so I battle it a lot. I will keep praying for the Lord to give you his peace. There is a reason we are here even if we can’t know what it is yet. Thank you for sharing!
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Thank you, Linda. I’m sorry for your situation too and yes, it does help to know we’re not alone in our nightmares. Thanks for your prayers too, I think they help ALOT. Take good care!
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I feel your pain. Your grandson may be 18, but he still lives at home, correct? If he is still with your daughter, his belief in who you are may be totally defined by her influence. I want to hope that our grandchildren will want to see us when they become of age, but lately I ask myself, “Why would they want to see us?” Presumably, they have managed fine without us for going on 10 years now. They may have no recollection of us. Understand, I am not closing the door should one or both of them come knocking, but I don’t count on it. During these traumatic times, ideally, we could and would hold fast to loved ones, to family, and comfort each other . . . Abandoned grandparents live outside that “ideal” familial love. My abusive son has not contacted us, and we were told not to contact him ever again a long time ago. I’m not certain that your daughter did you any favors by contacting you and reconnecting with you. Forgive me for saying so, but it seems horribly cruel to me that she reached out only to get your hopes up, to pretend concern and love, only to withdraw it again. It’s sadistic and unforgiveable. Perhaps someday she will experience the isolation and separation she has inflicted on you. Maybe then, she will understand and experience the pain for herself. Maybe. Our job, as I see it, is to hold on to anything that gives us a measure of happiness, to find meaning in the present, and to look upon others with as much compassion as we possibly can. We hurt and we know how devastating life can be. If we can take that sorrow and show empathy toward others who are hurting, I believe we can have a “family” of sorts. I wish you would tell me one thing that I could do to make you feel better. If there were something and it were within my power, I would do my best to meet that need. God bless you and give you peace. Love, Sharon
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THANK YOU for sharing, Sharon! Your thoughts ARE the thing that has made me feel better already! My purpose is to share my experience with others to help all of us collectively manage these abhorrent situations we are in. We are all STRONG people and it’s a day to day opportunity to heal in whatever way we can. God bless you too and enjoy today. xo
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I just read a quote from Kahlil Gibran that relates to your blog post. “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.”
This one is a little more light hearted: “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be.” 🙂 Substitute the coffee with ice cream or something else that you fancy.
You are a beautiful person with a warm heart and generous spirit. You share it with the world…don’t ever stop. You have much to give.
Karen
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Haha. LAUGHTER is more of what we need! Thanks for your comment & the beautiful words.
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I just found your blog. It’s 4 o’clock in the morning. It’s been several months since you’ve posted and am wondering how you are doing. Your last post is inspiring including understanding the exhaustion over the pandemic and all the political and media wrangling. I’m not really sure we are beyond anything now, in 2021 – or have we all just become conditioned and numb (or so it appears), to what’s happened over the last, what now 15 months?
Masking up, the vaccine vs no vaccine, the droning blabbing suits on TV, the job losses, the freedom to travel to many places, slow response time from many state and county services, a lack of return calls or slow customer care in many serviceable industries, including legal alone has created massive headaches Still wondering how the heck all of this got started and why – and and watching the whole time while peoples lives and families become more isolated and alone.
All the while, estrangement and alienation keep on keeping on or maybe have just recently started up and you’ve nowhere to go with it all. Even the Queen, a son and a brother know the pain of losing a family member to estrangement now.
I won’t go into a lot of detail here because it’s just too damn exhausting at the moment and most of you probably know that the details don’t matter and the end result is almost always the same; we’ve lost people we love, we don’t know what to do to change it but are always trying, and then…resignation sets in. It’s like a new death happens with the same person every single day yet you and they are still very much alive. It’s a nightmare on a daily basis. So you feel the grief and the loss and whether you are shopping, driving, talking to someone else, doing work, gardening, cleaning, praying, watching tv or listening to uplifting and/or distractive things, it’s always there with you. Accompanying the nightmare is the question of WHY. Why is it happening, what did you do, what could you have done different and why would anyone want to hurt an innocent child much less yourself. And you are left with nothing but anger and helplessness.
But no answer comes. The one thing I’m most reminded of is: All of it is and was just so damned unnecessary.
Which is why on a spiritual level, for me at least, and on a darkened note, the writing is on the wall. People or persons can be used to torture and destroy the lives of others. And often including themselves. But mostly it’s to torment you. To hassle you, to hurt you, to make you feel alone, to disempower you and to exploit your human bones to the parched hell that is a cruel agony. All the while you don’t just think of yourself, which does the deepest damage to your own psyche — when it comes to our GRANDCHILDREN who start out innocent in all of this. They are being used, exploited and incredibly harmed and nobody really gives a you know what – except you!!!
It’s one thing that you are being hurt and betrayed, it’s another seeing the systematic brainwashing and subsequent emotional abandonment of a child whose loving and flourishing relationship with you has come to a screeching halt, ripped away, stolen, and nullified by selfish and psychologically damaged individuals.
And it is sanctioned abuse in the guise of parental rights.
You may have even seen it coming in some respects – your senses knowing that the situation and persons involved have never been that healthy but you kept hoping that surely the parent or parents care more about their own child’s emotional well being and would never do anything to harm them. WRONG!!!!!
Often, and beyond your control, a mother or father will repeat the patterns they saw growing up, yes, even if they’ve always appeared to be loving good parents. In my case, I am dealing with a COVERT NARCISSIST with Borderline features. Along with her is her own mother who is helping to further fracture our son’s and our relationship with our little granddaughter.
To complicate things further, is the conflict with our son who doesn’t have the mental or emotional stamina to be effective in handling said CN and it’s worn him down. Interesting note…he and we, his father and I, also experienced a certain amount of estrangement from him when he was younger. He’s in our lives now but the quality and also because of this new situation with his daughter’s mother…it’s bringing it all back though it is different in many ways and for many other reasons.
The stress one experiences as an alienated parent or grandparent is tremendous. It’s life altering and physically speaking, exacts an awful impact on one’s health. Unlike many, I’ve never had the benefit of having a close community of relationships, social or otherwise – and am conditioned to not expect much in the way of supportive friendships or the like. Being alone or feeling alone has been a constant. The pandemic didn’t really change that except it did deepen a further sense of isolation when I can’t or couldn’t even walk into a Starbucks to take that corner seat and work from my PC while sipping a coffee! My lack of a social life never impeded me getting out and about but the simple things I’ve missed doing.
I’m in the PNW and we’ve been mostly on lock down the entire time with somethings opening up very gradually. It’s been awful watching businesses struggle and with the vibrant life of commerce all rusted up, people are still in a zombied state of compliance all around. With Spring in full swing and now headed into Summer, things feel a little more sparkly and hopeful and doors are opening in some places and yet in others, still shuttered.
My emphasis on the lockdowns and what it’s done runs parallel with this other life situation. I have to watch my son be tormented, I have to see my husband’s sadness and tiredness and meanwhile I have to keep keeping on because it’s all I can do. Yet I am crushed beyond words. Falling apart bit by bit. Beaten beyond blue. Angry and sad…the sadness and fear of the worst – is the worst!
God where are you?
Like the Queen and our cousins across the pond always say – keep calm and carry on. Hard to do. So hard to do. But we must.
Watching the woke bunch who has actually profited from this pandemic, the likes of media figures, celebs etc., I can no longer stomach their insipid diatribes about how we should all be living our lives. The hypocrisy is stomach turning…
Harry can you hear me? Call your grandmother, dad and brother and Meghan let your dad see his grandchildren and stop acting as if the poor man doesn’t exist. THAT’S how you will make the world a better place!
#grandparentalienation #forum
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am in the process of turning this blog into book. Sending you best thoughts of finding some kind of inner peace, or at least moments of it. Yes, this is a very tough road to navigate & it is so nice to know we truly are not alone on this journey. Take good care of yourself. And thanks again for sharing!
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