Speechless. Overwhelmed. Feeling helpless and also now hopeless in some ways too. No words can ever express the enormity of this global situation. Unprecedented is the most popular, widely used, appropriate, accurate and repeated word everywhere right now. It’s like nothing I have ever fathomed in all my seven decades of life on Planet Earth.
There has been a shaking up of many things world wide, including relationships. Many reconciliations and equally as many separations are part of our new “normal”. People’s deepest inner truths seem to be constantly awakened and applied anywhere at any time. Lots of thoughts and emotions abound! We have concerns of survival in general as well as reflecting on the quality of our lives. We’re concerned about each other, our countries, the economies, both local and international, and ourselves. Everything is constantly changing in every way throughout each day. The predictability of “normal” life is – no longer. It has been a challenging situation to adjust to.
Speaking with some friends and acquaintances who are also estranged grandparents, we compare notes of how we are holding up being in quarantine in our homes for months at a time, many of us alone and realizing the stark reality of how VERY alone we are. There are warnings everywhere to the high-risk populations susceptible to the potentially deadly Covid19 virus, which includes those over 65 years of age. We are very concerned about our estranged adult children and their children, our grandkids. Are they ok? What do they need? How can we help? Do they think or care about us in this life-threatening situation? What can we do about anyone or anything? What will happen next? How will we cope? What can/should we do! Our quality and quantity of sleep has been greatly compromised and challenged. Our entire schedules have been turned upside down. Our friendly and predictable little worlds have become threatening and possibly deadly if we make incorrect decisions based on varying and conflicting information from reliable and once trusted sources. It can sometimes feel very scary and exhausting.
Amidst all of the above, we are also very aware of the sad situation of family estrangement that affects our inner souls. No matter how well we conceal it or deal with it, the hard truth is that it still exists and is undeniable at this moment in time. Painfully so. We collectively wonder if our family thinks of us at all. Do we matter at all? Are we really as alone as we feel? Can this actually be true and not some dream to wake up to each morning, hoping it is only a dream, but then quickly realizing it is not. In the beginning, seniors were strongly instructed to not leave our houses for any reason. Organizations were quickly formed to help the elderly with their survival needs: getting food, household needs and medications delivered to their homes. Many people wanted to help. It was comforting.
Estranged grandparents were presented with a variety of scenarios. Some continued to be unacknowledged by their adult children; others were helped by friends or neighbors. Still other were taken care of by community organizations. And some had no one and fended for themselves the best they could. Of the multitudes of stories to share, here is the one chosen for today. May you ultimately be encouraged and inspired with more self-compassion and courage during this “unprecedented” time.
The beginning of the pandemic seemed serious and “Grandma” expected it to be over somewhat quickly. She was grateful to have a supply of food and necessities to take care of her needs for awhile. As the situation progressed, her supplies diminished. She was blessed with a personal community of giving and caring people who volunteered to help her. They would take her list, buy the supplies, deliver them to her and be reimbursed. It was comforting to have other’s who cared about her, and she also wished it could be her own nearby, bio family who wanted to be the ones caring about and helping her. Most unexpectedly one morning, her wish came true!
Her daughter called with concern about her, inviting her back into the family and offering to help her. Grandma immediately said YES and was so happy be together again with her estranged daughter and grandchildren who still lived 15 minutes away. She knew to be cautious, but opened her heart anyway. She missed them very much and was willing to take the risk one more time, in the BELIEF that they could enjoy the benefits of FAMILY. She slept very well that night.
It was a wonderful reuniting. She got to talk to her grandson on a video call. She looked at him, feeling overcome with emotion and said “Oh MY! You are all grown up, with a mustache & goatee!” Last time, he was still a young boy. It was a short call and one of the most precious five minutes of her life. Although she was anxious to see and speak to her granddaughter as well, it was time for their dinner and that ended the call.
The next couple of weeks or so were very endearing and fulfilling. Her daughter called regularly, said many kind and caring things, full of promises to help with shopping and family visits. She was concerned and compassionate about the issue of isolation and loneliness. She said she’d bring groceries and come every Sunday to visit outside, 6 feet apart, and looked forward to being together for an hour each week. It would be so nice she said. Grandma was happy and looked very forward to being with her daughter and grandkids, after so many years of no contact.
Grandma has a very strong circle of friends and support. Those in that circle were very happy for her and also cautioned her to guard her heart, just in case things went awry again. “We never know what might happen…” Grandma thanked them for their concern and assured them that she was taking it slowly and this time it was different because of the life and death situation of Covid19. She KNEW her daughter loved her and it was all going to work out just fine this time. Right…
Without warning or explanation, the contact lessened. Fewer phone calls, shorter duration or straight to voicemail, no longer available, no groceries and no Sunday visits. Really? Again? Not possible. But it was and remains so. To her credit, her daughter did drop off a Starbucks coffee at Grandma’s front door, calling a few minutes later to asked if Grandma got it. What coffee, she asked, and was told that they just drove away after dropping off the coffee a few minutes ago. We left it at your front door. Grandma had been so excited to see her family in person after so many years and instead saw a lone cup of coffee, left by her family at her front door. She questioned her own expectations. How ungrateful a person is she to be disappointed with the thoughtfulness of a delicious Starbuck’s coffee – thoughtfully placed at her front door, even though she had eagerly anticipated the visit to see her precious family members in person with no significance of a cup of coffee! Perhaps that is the folly of this Grandma’s demise of ingratitude, unrealistic expectations, her agenda and personal short comings. She still does not understand. Like Prince said, “Just like my mother, she’s never satisfied. Perhaps not.
A multitude of miscommunications and disappointments followed for a short while. There were never any Sunday visits or grocery deliveries. Despite Grandma’s attempts to connect, nothing seemed to work again. She did and still does not know why. Today she discovered her family has left their city and is out of town for a week. They never told her they were leaving or checked on her before the left. She accidentally found out, once again, they are gone.
The moral of the story is this. Family estrangement is not ok or acceptable in any form. We must be able and willing to care for ourselves and allow what IS to BE as it is – IF we are going to survive. Some things can-NOT be fixed, no matter how much we WANT them to be. And no matter WHAT we do, it will never be ok. We will never be OK until we ACCEPT that. Estranged family members need to go through the grieving and pain and at some point just let it be. There is NO solution, there is no repair and there is no getting better – deep down inside. After 5 years of weekly therapy sessions, it unfortunately in that deep-down-place, is NO better than before.
No matter what side of the fence you are on, the only person you can take care of is YOU. I believe no one of the millions of people affected by this tragedy understands or wants it to be as it is. But no matter, it still remains what it is. We have millions of people each with their own story, perspective, grievances and pain suffering greatly. I do not understand what it is all about and see no solution. It is a tragedy of the time we are living in historically. It’s not good and it’s not kind, but it IS what it IS.
I observe that the injured adult children ironically have the SAME hurt and pain,support groups, Facebook groups and therapy as the estranged parents and grandparents that no one can seem to reconcile or heal. I don’t know why that is either. It is all so sad and such a huge loss for everyone. Loose, loose.
As someone once told me as they were bailing out on a scary situation: “SAVE YOURSELF”. Basically, that’s it. Surround yourself with a circle of kind and caring people. Allow love to come into your life. Help others. Cry when you need to, laugh when you can and keep breathing. Find a way to help other people. Find ways to help yourself. Allow love into your life. Get close to God. And hope for the best.
Of course, I am the grandma in this story. I DO believe my daughter had the BEST of intentions when she called me, that she did feel love, concern and caring for me at that time. She DID want to help me and why it couldn’t continue remains the ongoing and unknown mystery of our lifetime together. I also deeply wanted to be with them at this time, help all of them with the wisdom acquired from living on this planet for 70+ years, to share this “unprecedented” time in history TOGETHER helping and supporting each other in a loving, united and strong family unit. I love her and my grandkids and hope they have peaceful, fulfilling and happy lives. I surrender and accept that I need to release this this dream of family in order for my life to continue, even though I have absolutely NO idea how to truly do that. Onward is the best I can do, holding them in my heart forever. For whatever unknowns I am responsible for, I am sorry and I hope my grandchildren can make life better for themselves and any future generations. Do the best you can to be the next healers of your ancestry, both sides. Amen and Ajo.
To my brave, smart, ever evolving Grandchildren. Passing the torch to each of you… I love you always. Grandma
Grandparent Alienation Forum 