It’s now been almost two months since I decided to send my farewell letter and closed the formerly open door to my heart and myself. Life is different living with a new found realization of the importance of protecting myself and shielding my heart from any further abuse and pain. Life is mostly good and some days are even GREAT. Occasionally there is a sprinkling of sadness lurking in the shadows, BUT I usually recognize it early on and move through the emotions more quickly than ever before. I have found those times must be acknowledged and processed, though. Yes, it can be hard, sad, emotional and I do still cry for the life-long loss of a HUGE part of my family. Yes, I experience deep grief for the loss to our entire family. Nevertheless, the dream of a happy family as a gramma didn’t happen as I expected or wanted. Learning how to accept that fact, has proven to be a valuable tool in helping me maintain my sanity, stability and freedom. Sometimes, no matter how much we want something, it just does NOT happen. How and why I will never understand, but that is life. Through this process I have been able to give myself permission to get on with it and HAVE a life and live it fully and joyfully. That also was an unexpected benefit of sending the “letter”.
Sometimes I wondered if I was being selfish and wondered if maybe I could have, should have waited longer or done more. At those times I would also review what I had contributed for the last few decades and would calm myself by recognizing that I already had “waited longer and done more” for many, many years to no avail. Why would anything ever change if I kept doing the same things, while hurting myself in the process? I hurt myself by ALLOWING anyone to treat me badly. Subsequently it became clear that I was also the only one who could stand up for me and take care of me. THIS knowledge has been an enormous gift in my life. THIS is where my deep sense of freedom now springs from! I actually AM creating a life that IS what I want; full of love, ease, kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, fun, laughter, respect, dignity, friendship, acknowledgment, joy and beauty.
Growing older is an astonishing situation. I am SUPER aware that the clock is ticking and any moment I may be GONE. What an I doing with my life? How am I showing appreciation to my Creator for giving me this life? Am I honoring this gift of LIFE? Do I really think it is all right or necessary for me to spend the rest of my days alone, crying, sad, distraught, overwhelmed, depressed, hopeless, lonely and basically useless? Because I may be perceived by some as useless, I know that is not necessarily true to anyone else, including MYSELF. In this healing crisis and process, I now see I have been blessed with many gifts that I can possibly share with others. What if I could help others in their journeys through life? I mean, I have been here on this planet ALOT of years now. Yes ~ I do have knowledge, experience and wisdom that I would like to share to be of service to others! Helping others heal, helps heal US!
Because I was DETERMINED to continue taking care of me, the flood gates of goodness have opened up in my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined! I am so grateful! I am now teaching meditation to elementary school children in my city, helping them find inner peace and calmness in their lives. They LOVE it and my heart is overflowing to be of service. I’m also an avid supporter of our Southern Arizona group of Alienated Grandparents; there are alot of us, unfortunately. I discovered some of my gifts are to share my successes going through life with other’s.
We ARE all in this together and we do need each other. People need people. We all need love. I have found that by sharing my thoughts about the process of life with others, new opportunities appear. When we begin to be authentic it allows others to consider doing the same. When I stopped trying to figure out what to “do” and instead just be me, the miracles began happening and keep on happening. It’s so much FUN. My life has some very kind and wonderful people in it now. I am THRILLED to be having FUN and enjoying a meaningful life just living each day in kindness and trust. I focus my thoughts on what I DO want vs. what I do NOT want. I may have to remind myself 1,000 times a day, but when I remember, it ALWAYS helps. Try it!!! Most of all I WANT TO BE HAPPY!
In my next blog I’ll be discussing some ideas of how to get things going in a direction you want, but you already know anyway… Quiet your mind, open your heart to yourself and you will find, tucked away in there, your answers. May you be blessed with kindness, courage and love. Accept what is and focus on what else you can do to have some kind of happiness in your life. LIVE from that… and watch what happens. 🙂
Grandparent Alienation Forum 