What a journey this has been. No words exist to fully describe the incredible pain, loss and frustration of becoming a non-grandparent of alive and well grandchildren. There is NO evidence to support that anything will change, be fixed, repaired or healed. This day has been coming for over 19 years and has arrived today. Now what?
We do have choices. We do have options. We do have lives and the opportunity to live them in what ever way we choose. Over the holidays I was showered with seven days of the most love, inclusion, FUN and acknowledgement ever bestowed on me. No, I was not with my grandchildren, but other close family members who love and care deeply about me. I was blessed to be with my son and his family at their home far away from the city where I reside. Where my grandkids also reside – a mere 15 minutes from me. They are now mostly grown up now and the time I wished to spend with them has passed away.
Today is their dad’s birthday, but they don’t have him to celebrate with as he suddenly passed away about two years ago. Such a sad thing which always touches my heart. Too much loss for one little family. The fact that he is gone and I am still here – without them in my life – is an ongoing tragedy to me.
So today I am choosing to let all the past be in the past. I no longer want any of it in my life. I pray for the happiness and welfare of all of them, including their mom. I hope they’re all ok. I hear a little about them now and then; they are strong and LIVING their lives. Me too! We all get to adapt to the new “normals” throughout life – or not. This time I choose to live, to go on and to be happy. Intuitively, I think they have moved on years ago. Maybe they have fond memories of me, maybe not. Nothing I can do about that either. In my heart, I am so grateful for the beautiful, kind and fun times we shared that are MY memories. I feel very good about who I was in their lives for a short while. I can’t make them remember it, but am glad I was able to DO the things I did. I hope they have a good memory of me and that they know how eternally and deeply I love them ~ always.
It is now not only a New Year, but a new decade: 2020. With a deep breath and deep sigh of resignation, I now release myself from the commitment to be always in their lives. Sometimes there is no more we can do; I accept that this is one of those times. It is done…
As I continue aging I wonder how long I have left to live? Twenty seconds… twenty years? Who knows! But I am now inspired and encouraged to LIVE and enjoy each day in the best way I can, for myself and others. I want to contribute my gifts, talents and wisdom in many ways and I especially want to help children. I have been so blessed with an incredible way to do that! It is shared with me that I am making a very positive change in some children’s lives with programs I am involved with in our local school districts. It’s wonderful to be of service! These sweet children fill my heart with a new sense of fulfillment and gratitude. We have such a beautiful world in which to live IF we choose to see that beauty. It’s everywhere ~ in people, animals, nature and all around us. We just need the AWARENESS to open our hearts and eyes to what may be right in front of us. I will no longer keep myself stuck like glue to the past of what SHOULD or MUST be, but rather be willing to move forward to something new.
This blog began about 18 months ago. So much has happened in life in that time. Nothing has changed in the family, but much has changed in LIFE! It is time to step into the new and the NOW, fully – and stop looking back in pain and sadness, even on sad days like today. Even on my grandson’s birthday coming up shortly. Instead of sadness I will now CELEBRATE that he is alive and living his life. I LOVE him and my granddaughter with all my heart and hold the vision for them to find their own lives and happiness along this journey we all share in one way or another.
Instead of continuing with this blog, I am very excited to announce the beginning stages of the book I am now inspired to begin writing. Another small step in moving forward. Of course it is about the healing journey and success of becoming a happy person, rising above the muck and moving into new territories of love and kindness for ourselves and others. I will keep you all updated on my progress. In the meantime, follow your heart, perhaps start a new journey as well, and find your inner self and peace. Fill yourself with love ~ it is out there. I know because I have found it and you can too!!!! Amen.
Dedicated to the Most Treasured and Loved
“Blue Sky & Pretty Cloud”
Grandparent Alienation Forum 