Therapy

The intensity of our grief and day to day life can fluctuate greatly. Some days are FINE and others NOT. Four days of this last week were definitely not fine in any way. The reliable support of family and good friends, I very much appreciated. However, there is a dark place that occasionally sneaks up and takes me captive. It can be mild, medium or severe. This week was extremely severe. I felt scared, alone, insecure and lost my confidence. The results inevitably are copious amounts of grieving and tears. It’s terrible. Some days I can pull myself out using the many tools I have acquired over a long period of time which I am most grateful for. When they DON’T work, it gets unnerving, scary, and can feel quite threatening. Fortunately, I have a weekly appointment with my therapist and I knew I would be seeing him in two days. Having that knowledge in itself was most helpful.

Yesterday, the day finally arrived. An hour and a half later, the “normal” me was back in charge. What a relief! I cannot highly enough recommend finding a therapist who you have a good connection with and then make a schedule of  regular appointments. I have been seeing my therapist once a week for three years now. I can hardly believe it. With the issue of alienation, we have no idea of what events or triggers may happen at any time for any reason. Our emotions and hearts are so extremely traumatized and compromised, that the seemingly slightest event can turn into an extreme emotional scenario with no warning. A professional is a valued tool to help put things back in perspective that “friends” don’t have the training to do. Many times there is no trauma and we can address issues that have been quietly in the background, but it is the greatest of gifts to have them securely in place, familiar with the entire situation to make appropriate suggestions when there is a crisis.

With that support I have been able to be on a good road of recovery and create a meaningful life for myself. I eat well, volunteer with several children’s groups and have joined Toastmasters to become a better public speaker. Someone recommended Alanon which  has been a very helpful tool. Many of the people in Alanon have the SAME family issues that I’m experiencing & I’ve also met like-minded people to meet for coffee or a visit later in the week. It’s been good. I try to do some kind of exercise daily. I’m so grateful for my dog because I know she needs to walk everyday and that gets ME out the door. Once I am out, I find an unexpected energy and desire to keep on walking with her. We walk within our neighborhood as well as going to local parks and it’s  another way to have interaction with other people. Dogs can be a great ice breaker and draw people together for a spontaneous chats. MOST HELPFUL. I almost always feel uplifted when we return home. There is a rose garden in one of our parks and we walk through there some days. I found myself actually laughing when I notice both my dog and myself had stopped to smell the roses. My heart was happier and I smiled. Breathe… It’s ok.

TOOLS: Listen to meditations on youtube, supportive books from library or bookstore where you also may meet more people, write in a journal, go into nature and connect with your heart; hug a tree (haha) which can bring inner peace. How about some gardening or landscaping at your house. If you don’t have a house, maybe get a potted plant & care for it. Research new menus, choose which recipes sound good, make a shopping list, and GO. Cleaning can help too, clean out closets, drawers, garages, basements, attics, laundry room, vehicles – there’s always something to clean. In the process we get our thoughts diverted. Probably NOT a good idea to look through old photos or anything with the potential to get triggered or sad. PROTECT yourself & stay alert. Do something for someone else. One time I was at the 99cent store & saw a cute little lawn ornament that I gave to one of my neighbors thanking her for being such a good neighbor. She was thrilled and I felt good. Getting OUT of our story is easier by getting INTO helping someone else. Look on the internet under volunteer opportunities and find something that you could and would LIKE to do. Force yourself to get OUT. It has helped me numerous time. Library events are also a good place to meet people. Start with the intention and surprising things somehow just appear.

In conclusion I remember my sister’s famous saying, “Everything is temporary”. It’s true and helpful and includes everything. The good days and the bad days both come and go, so don’t get too attached to either. I shall conclude with MY famous saying, “And life goes on… till it doesn’t”. Wishing you a peaceful day and sending love. xo

 

 

Back-up Plans

Apparently ~ it’s not over till it’s over. Today I learned again that in life and in alienation, we never know what’s around any corner. In the last few hours I have realized the need for back-up plans and more than just simply a Plan B. Oh no, many more than simply one. My suggestion is to have an “emergency plan” always in place and readily available – in writing. On my list for emotional 911’s is: #1 Have a list of your inner circle of people who you are CERTAIN care about you and are on your team without question. Be very selective. In times of emergency, you may need these people to hold you together as you gather up your own inner supplies again. Be sure to call people who WILL tell you whatever you need to hear to make it through the first moments of a crisis. They will be your personal “First Responders”. Tell them why you’re calling and what you need to hear from them. For me this time I was loosing faith in ME. I am so willing to be “wrong” and to examine myself that I got lost in a conversation today with someone sharing a derisive story about me told to them by my alienator. I considered that perhaps I was completely deluding myself during all these years of pain and that I may be responsible for much of the alienation issue that plagued my very being and that I may have actually created the issues of dysfunction in our family. I WAS THE CAUSE! ? Was I the cause… My mind whirled around without end, around and around. It was unnerving and scary. I felt weak-kneed and dizzy. I didn’t know what to do. What to do??? I was too scared to even cry. I needed contact with someone to tell me I was ok and IT would be ok. To remind me to “breathe” and relax, to help me find my center, my confidence and inner knowing that took a little siesta. No matter how strong we are, at times we can all be so fragile! Maybe it’s true that the stronger we are, the harder we fall. Sometimes we ALL can just crumble. That’s when we call in the A-TEAM, our personal militia, the front line! I made the phone call and they ANSWERED the phone, thank God!!! “I need help right now. Are you available?” It’s important to begin with that question as we have no idea what is happening in anyone elses life and if they ARE up to supporting us in any given moment. Be prepared to move down the list if they are not available and honor their honesty. She said YES. With that one little word I felt hopeful. She reminded me of things we had talked about over and again many times, the abuse, the meanness, the sadness, the traumas encountered over many years. To also be reminded of how “clever” the sweet little alienators can appear to be. There is nothing I can do about that or how she uses her charms to seduce others into her realm without their knowing or agreement, because of the kind hearts and trusting natures of those victims. I love them and forgive them for they simply trust too much and do not know they have been “hooked”. More victims and casualties of other’s twisted minds and not-so-nice premeditated strategies. I cannot tell them, they don’t believe me. So I focus on self preservation and taking care of me the best I am able, with a “little help from my friends”, as the dear “Beatles” song goes. My phone call with Responder #1 was complete. Now I feel calmer, have a drink of water, go for a walk… and return home. These situations can be very complicated. My thoughts are still moving too quickly. I call Responder #2. She also answers and is available with another clear version of support and a successful exchange. I feel relieved that I escaped alive again and am most grateful. I’m definitely prepared for the next time this may happen and will NOT be caught so off guard.

What is my take-away and how may I be of service to others by sharing something I learned today? Keep doing your healing work within yourself. Practice staying centered and strong in any situation. Practice on little things to be stronger for the bigger ones. Discover what works for YOU. Use each annoying or trying experience during an ordinary day, to practice keeping your center and staying grounded. Assemble your list of  “Responders” wanting to be on your team and put them into groups, Team A, B, or C. Have their contact info easy to find and ASK FOR HELP when you need it. It’s not heroic, or weak or necessary to go it alone. Look at any current crisis and choose who would be the most helpful to reach out to. And then be honest and real and LISTEN to what they have to say, taking in their opinions to analyze and apply to the current scenario of what YOU believe to be the best course of action for you. Only WE know what is in our highest good. By gathering up ourselves along with the opinions of others, we can then feel confident in our next course of action. Thankfully, once again, we are not alone. Yay!

My goal is to have peace and be happy. Will “this” decision help me achieve that? And then follow through if even in the smallest way. Do something to assert your power for yourself. Be grateful for your team and for your courage and determination to LIVE your life and achieve YOUR goals. You can get knocked off track, and you can also get back ON. Today is living proof for me; it was a HARD ONE, and if I can do it, so can YOU. High Five!