Preceding a global pandemic, the worst trauma I ever survived was having rectal cancer. At one point I remember a doctor asking me if I had received the gifts of cancer yet? It was only a few months after a major and horrendous surgery and I was very angry at his question. Gifts from cancer? What the hell is wrong with YOU, I thought. After I replied NO, he commented that there would be gifts and positive outcomes from the experience. Yeah, right! Now 10 years later, I have received countless gifts in my life and hold him kindly in my heart. Today, I can report the same possibilities from this equally unimaginable experience we are all sharing together as residents of Planet Earth. Covid19. Need I say more?
Imagine the shock a few weeks into this new reality, to get a random phone call from my estranged daughter. She sincerely asked if I would consider coming back into her life along with my grandkids during this most trying of times. She offered her heartfelt desire to be a family together again, “at least for now”, she said. We had the BEST conversation. Without any hesitation I answered YES from the depths of my heart and soul. She was so kind and loving. I was so happy, filled with joy and optimism.
Reviewing our talk after we were off the phone, I remembered all the people in my life who have patiently walked beside me for years, helping me manage the heartbreak of the estrangement of my daughter and grandchildren. I thought of the advice I had received from them and my therapist of 6 years regarding my responsibility to protect myself, my heart and mental health. I promised to remember these collective opinions to always be cautious – “No matter what”! Well, the “No Matter What” that no one could ever have prepared for was… Covid19.
I CHOSE to take the risk with my daughter, to consciously throw all caution to the wind and jump right in 100%! Yep, I did. I DID want her help and support, I admitted it. Get me groceries? YES! Check in on me to know I am ok? YES! Have family video chats and see each other regularly? YES! Come every Sunday to safely sit six feet apart in my front yard and visit in person for an hour? YES, YES. Did I go to curbside service at Home Depot and buy flowers to plant for their special spot in my front yard? Of course! And the best thing was supposed to be celebrating my granddaughter’s 16th birthday together with a virtual call, singing Happy Birthday, watching her make a wish and blow out the candles? YES!!! Yes!! The doors of my heart flew wide open. YES, they did.
Flash back to when I was YOUNGER and making my decisions after the Big D. I was determined to seize every opportunity that life presented and GO FOR IT. I imagined my future life, sitting in a rocking chair and being grateful for taking risks when they presented themselves. I was clear I did not want to look back with regret, wondering what would have happened if only I would have had to courage to take the RISK, whatever it may have been. I am so GLAD I took the risks. NO regrets. Including the latest one presented recently by my daughter. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. No regrets.
Most likely you can now guess it didn’t work out as planned. In my last ditch effort, I sent her an email HOPING there was a way we could connect our hearts again. I was open, honest and vulnerable in my courageous email to her last night. Taking the risk, you know? Her response this morning is the answer I am now able to accept that despite each of our best of intentions, it simply is not possible to BE a reality. And so it is.
Once again I collect my courageous self and am proud of who I am with all the love in my heart. Oh yes, the lesson. I realize today that I wrote the letter to her and for myself as well. I acknowledge myself for having done all I possibly was able to do, to heal this relationship and have each other in our lives in peace and love. To leave the past in the past, if only for “now”, as she said. Even with this Covid trauma and our deep human need for true connection with each other, it wasn’t able to be sustained. As for my grandchildren, that is a loss I shall take to my grave. All I can say is HOW MUCH I ALWAYS LOVE YOU and wish the best for both of you. I am eternally sorry and will always wish I could have found a way to be in your lives and contribute the things I so wanted to give you. I did every single thing I could possibly do and I am so sorry none of it was successful. I hope you remember any of the precious things we shared, if ever so briefly. I love you both very much and will be here for you as long as I am alive. Peace.
I am grateful for the relief of being FREE of “trying” anymore. It is clearly an impossibility. The WHITE FLAG is thrown. I permanently surrender. Although sad, I am free. I did my best and I can now at last live and die in peace. Now and forever. Amen.
The moral of the story that I end with is this. Take the best care of yourself that you can. We all matter, YOU matter, if only to yourself! There may come the time when it is ‘RIGHT’ to truly become our own best advocate and do whatever is required to live in peace in whatever way that seems best. It IS our choice to step up for ourselves, see it and DO it. Or not… Our current situation with Covid19, quarantine, isolation, fear, angst & uncertainty whether alone or with someone is unlike anything any of us have ever experienced. We can all only do the very best we can and allow all others to do the same. I set my SELF and my daughter free to do whatever is best for everyone. None of us knows any more than any other at this point, and we are all doing the best we are able. It is solely MY responsibility to figure out HOW to survive whatever comes my way. I myself, am the one that I can 100% to rely on, and I’m fine with that.
I would like to share this most profound phrase that came to me after my husband died, “And life goes on… until it doesn’t.” I miss you so much Nick and wish that you were here with me right now. ♥ AHO!
Grandparent Alienation Forum 